We pray for peace

Matthew and I have been reading the book Practicing Peace: A Devotional Walk Through the Quaker Tradition by Catherine Whitmire.  The book has a compelling introduction written by the author, and then the rest of the book is essentially a compilation of quotations from throughout the last few centuries.  I checked it out from the library, read a few chapters, and I felt in my heart that I needed to own that book.  I don't know if you've had similar feelings, but as I was reading the book, I felt inspired and empowered to be better than I currently am. I certainly couldn't absorb all of the wisdom and inspiration before returning the book!  I've been mulling through some thoughts about peace, and I think I'm ready to put some of my thoughts into words.

Reading this book has made me realize that we need to pray for peace in our world and believe that God hears our prayers and doesn't cast them aside. In one of my groups of friends in high school, I learned to have the attitude that peace will never exist in Israel because of the long-lasting, deeply-rooted conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians.  I have let that mentality subconsciously continue for about 10 years now, and I have only recently realized what I believe to be an error in my thinking. If I believe that God desires peace in our world and that with God all things are possible, then I have to believe that peace is possible, and I have to live like I believe it.

I also have been confronted with my own failings when it comes to peace.  How many times have I harbored such frustrated, hateful thoughts toward people?  How many relationships have I soured through my own attitude?  How many times have I argued my case (because I'm right, of course!) despite the damage that my arguing was doing?

I don't think that I have to remain silent about issues that inspire passion within me, but I do believe that I can relate to people in peaceful ways.  I have often wondered, "Why can't people discuss things?  Why can't we discuss religion and politics and issues that matter without feeling ready to attack the other person?"  I am not sure I fully know the answer, but I do know that I want to be able to have these conversations while maintaining inner peace and the peace in the relationship.  Humans are never going to all agree on pretty much anything, so must not we all work on finding a way to live together in love instead of in hate despite our differences?

I am inspired by people who patiently bring about peace in our world by being peaceful and connecting to people.

In my idealistic and romantic heart, I think that I desire for my life and home to be marked by peace.  It might be silly, but I genuinely hope that people feel peace and love in their lives when they enter our house. I haven't stopped a war, but perhaps I can start by creating peace in our home and then watch it splash out into our community.

Finally, I have come to the realization that the next time our country considers declaring another needless war, which won't be too long from now if patterns from our history continue, I hope that I will have the courage to speak against it even if my position is not popular. 

I feel like this post is lacking.  Sometimes when I write I feel my logical, mathematician self typing as my passion bubbles in my chest trying to get out.  Perhaps I will try again another day to somehow spill my bubbles onto the page.  Or perhaps you can just get your hands on a copy of Practicing Peace so that you can also be inspired by the words of many throughout the ages...

Peace be with you.

And so we vote!

I have felt compelled to write about the 2012 election a few times either on Facebook on my blog.  Each time I start typing, my words fall short of the ideas in my head, and I worry that I will add to the drivel of election season.  Heaven forbid!  Finally, as election day has arrived, I think that I have figured out the words that I wish to add to the "conversation".

We have heard over and over from opposing parties about how awful (or wonderful!) things would be if a candidate is elected this year.  The numbers have been crunched (or made up), facts (or lies/half-truths) have been brought to the voters' attention, and speeches have been made (and then taken out of context)!  I don't think that anybody can deny that election season is messy in the U.S.

So what do I want to add to all of it?  My call to unify rather than polarize.  My prayer is that we:

• Unify as a nation to face our problems and work together, taking time to consider diverse opinions, to solve them.
• Bring peace to the world.
• Use resources (monetary and planetary) wisely so as to provide a positive future for generations to come
• Face the problem of climate change and deal with human impacts responsibly.
• Be compassionate to those in need that we are able to help.
• Create policies that bring justice, social and otherwise, both in our country and the rest of the world.
• Create a food system that is safe, healthy, just, and sustainable.
• Treat all people with equal respect and rights.
• And..

Regardless of who wins any elections, I hope that our representatives in government succeed in creating a better country and a better world through their policies.  We are not electing "the lesser of two (or more) evils", we are electing one of two (or more) people.  Each person will have both talents and faults to share as he or she governs.

But if we bicker and complain and attack our candidates and then our leaders, how are we making anything better?  How can we work together after an election if we can't be civil during one?

I end with these thoughts:  Our country, and our world, is made up of citizens.  Our government has a huge amount of power, and it can make choices that largely impact individuals and the world at large.  However, while I cannot control the choices of the government, I am left with the choice about what kind of citizen I wish to be.

I can contact my representatives to let them know how I feel about different issues.  I can stay caught up with the news even between election cycles so that I can understand the array of issues better and be as well-informed as possible.  I can choose my words wisely when discussing politics; I can speak gently instead of with the grace of a battering ram.

I can share my resources with others.  I can improve my community.  I can participate in meetings of the local government.  I can make choices with others' needs in mind.  I can volunteer.

I have the power to bring beauty and love, or darkness and hate, into the world.

I want, and will work toward, good things in the world, and no election can change that.  I simply believe that I can be a more effective citizen if I am engaged, cooperating, thoughtful, concerned, and respectful instead of whiny, uncooperative, attacking, violent, and disrespectful.

And, besides my own ballot, that is my contribution to the election of 2012.

Paul, let's have another chat

If the Paul who wrote most of the letters in the New Testament wasn't, you know, a man from 2000 years ago, I think I'd like to invite him over to tea and have a chat.  Most recently, I have been considering, yet again, what Paul wrote about marriage.

In particular, I have been remembering the following passages from 1 Corinthians 7.  I grew up with an NIV Bible, so I'll include that translation:

Verses 8-9: Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Verse 28: But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. 

Verses 32-35: I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. 

Verse 38: So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better. 

Verse 40: In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is [single] —and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.  

You can tell that I left a lot of the verses out, but I included that ones that haunted me for awhile in high school.  At that point, I took the Bible more literally and more at face value.  I really wanted to get married someday, but these verses made it sound like if I chose to get married, then I was settling for less than the best, and I wouldn't be able to be as devoted to God.  Paul makes it sound like the only reason to get married is if you are losing control over your sexuality.  Thanks, Paul.

Now, to be fair, I think that Paul believed that Jesus was coming back and restoring order on Earth soon.  He was also writing to the Corinthians, and it seems like the city of Corinth had a little craziness occurring.  It is quite possible that Paul didn't intend to tell every Christian throughout the ages that you do okay if you marry but better if you don't.  I'd like to think that's the case.

Another interesting point about this passage is that Paul actually mentions that part of it is "in his judgment", although, he adds weight to his words by saying, "I think that I too have the Spirit of God."  Gosh, how do you argue with that?  The funny thing is, people with the Spirit of God don't always see eye-to-eye.

OK, Paul. If you are actually implying that all women today would be happier if we stay single rather than marry, then we don't see eye-to-eye.  Hear me out.

First of all, in my opinion, marriage today is largely not about sex.  Due to our terribly sexual culture, I think that sex seems like a huge part of marriage to the single Christian teens and 20s who see sex everywhere around them except in their own lives.  However, there is just so much more to marriage.  (Also, because this myth needs to be dispelled as often as possible, it is pretty unlikely that sex will be anything like that displayed in the media.  Seriously.)

I could talk awhile about all that marriage can mean.  However, I actually just want to focus on one major point that became clear to me this week.  I read the book EcoMind by Frances Moore Lappé this past week, and she mentioned one social aspect about humans that really strikes me as true.  She talked about how humans find it hard to separate from the herd and be different.  There are social consequences for being different including, but not limited to, being labeled as "weird", shunning, being looked down on, and attempts to change you to become more "normal" again.  This is why it is helpful to have some friends that agree with your desire to break away from the mold.

My relationship with Matthew helps me to break away from the mold in ways that I truly doubt that I would have if we hadn't gotten married.  In this way, I think that having my husband has helped me grow exponentially in my faith.  Since getting married, my faith has become less about nitpicking and believe that exact right thing about morality.  I no longer believe that the key to my faith is to "be in the Bible and prayer each day".  It's not that I don't believe that those two things are important, and I do continue to do both of those things daily.  However, I was stuck in a rut because I was missing all of the other things that my faith was supposed to lead to.

I'm not saying that we don't still have room for vast improvement, but our faith together as a married couple has lead us to an understanding that our faith is less about being individualistic and focusing on ourselves and more about pouring God's love on everyone around us.  It has helped us to collaborate and cooperate to change our lifestyle to be more closely aligned with our vision for how our world should be: fair, equitable, beautiful, sustainable, and filled with the goodness of God.

I think that my marriage has made me open to change and filled with the belief that change is possible and I can be part of it.  Matthew and I spend hours each week discussing our community, our country, and our world.  We try to spur each other into doing our part in each of these areas, and we learn more and more about things we can do.

So, Paul, I hope that you can see that Matthew and I use each other to be stronger in our commitment to God.  Our goal in life isn't to please each other; instead our home is the first place for us to practice loving people and putting others' needs above our own.  I do not believe that our interests are generally divided and that we are less devoted to God due to our devotion to each other.  Rather, I honestly believe God views us as a team empowered by each member, and I think He uses us as such.

FASHION!

Did I mention that I miss writing in my blog?  I really do.  I don't know what's wrong with me... Actually, I do.  Fact:  I find it challenging to just sit unless I'm doing something at the computer for my students.  I like to DO!  However, today I'm kind of tired, and sitting on the couch writing a blog post sounds just right...

But I digress.

FASHION!

Those who know me well may wonder why I am writing a post about fashion.  I think it is fate.  (It's certainly not because I can tell you what the current fashions are...)  Two people brought clothing to my attention through two articles/blog posts on Facebook this week.  The first is an article written by a journalist who does some research about the "afterlife" of much the clothing we buy in the U.S.  The second is a blog post written by a Christian woman who is giving her two cents about the Great Christian Modesty Debacle.  I am not going to summarize or paraphrase what these people say since they do such a good job of speaking for themselves, so I would recommend reading the links before you continue.

Done?  OK.  Let's go.

I honestly don't have much to say about the article about the afterlife of clothing except that I continue to hope and pray that we come to our senses when it comes to "stuff".  It truly baffles me that we discard so much clothing in the U.S. that after thrift stores get stuffed to the gills, the natural solution is to turn perfectly good (sometimes brand new) clothing into rags or to ship it off to Africa.  The whole thing reeks of waste.

The post regarding the Great Christian Modesty Debacle earns more of a response.  Sheila and I agree that rules about modesty may very well go beyond what God requires (for example, a rule where women are only allowed to wear skirts/dresses down to the ankle).  We also agree that the clothing that we wear does not have to be societally unfashionable.  However, Sheila makes the argument that, in fact, Christian women have the duty to God and their husbands to be societally fashionable.   It is with this thesis that I am taken aback.

The following ideas run through my own head as I consider Sheila's post:

My husband loves me, is proud of me, and is attracted to me regardless of the clothes that I wear.  He loves me because we are called to love.  He is proud of me based on my actions and the content of my character.  He is attracted to me because he loves me and he is proud of me and I'm ME!

I do not need to earn the respect of society through what I wear.  I will earn respect through who I am and what I do.

There is nothing wrong with something "looking like it came from a thrift shop".  There is nothing wrong with used clothes or hand-me-downs.  There is nothing wrong with wearing "last year's fashions".  There is nothing wrong with the people who cannot afford to put together a closet of clothing that makes them look stylish.  There is nothing wrong with people who can afford to put together such a wardrobe but choose not to.

I do not believe that I can justify spending my money on a fashionable wardrobe in this society.  Women are expected to have a bunch of different outfits and be in fashion at all times (even when fashions change on a dime).  This can be expensive, and I feel that I can be a better steward of our resources.

I do not believe that I can justify the environmental and social ramifications of a fashionable wardrobe.  Creating fashion creates waste through the production of the fabric, the shipping of everything, and the discards readily cast aside as fashion changes.  Additionally, if I buy new clothing, I run the risk of supporting a company that allows horrible work conditions unless I do my research first.

I do believe that I should respect, appreciate, and thank God for the clothing and resources that God has provided.  This keeps me satisfied with what I have instead of in want for more.  This encourages me to wear my clothing until it is worn out.  This prevents me from feeling like I have "nothing to wear".

Overall, I personally found that Sheila has too much concern for appearances and plays into what I believe is one of our culture's issues.  While you may have noticed that I wrestle with some of what Paul wrote, I think that this is something particularly beautiful that he left us:

Since prayer is at the bottom of all this, what I want mostly is for men to pray—not shaking angry fists at enemies but raising holy hands to God. And I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions but doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it. 
1 Timothy 2:9-10

I pray for beauty from doing something beautiful for God!

As always, you are more than welcome to disagree with me, but I thought that I'd get my perspective out there since, after all, this is my blog. :)

Home Economics

And by this, I mean economics of my home.  I have been reading some of Bill McKibben's books recently (Eaarth and Deep Economy, in case you are curious), and he has reminded me of the power of community and supporting our local communities.  As I became an adult, I had the tendency to try to avoid spending money preferring to save for the future.  As I have become a slightly older adult, I tacked on the desire to not spend money so that I'd also have plenty to give away.  Inn the last few years I have become more and more conscious of the fact that I am accountable to God for every dollar I spend, and I want to use money well.  However, an idea has been growing in me: There may be a way to use money that may be as good (if not better?) than charity if done correctly.

What I mean is that by spending our money, we are putting it in another's pocket so that it can provide for his/her needs.  So if I participate in my local CSA, I am directly putting money into the farmers' pockets so that they can buy seeds but also help pay for their clothing, bills, mortgage, etc.  However, if I buy food from a large grocery store, I may be putting a lot of money into the pockets of a few CEOs and a few cents on the dollar into the hands of the farmers.  The same thing goes with just about anything you want to buy:  If you buy it as local as possible in as small of a store (or no store!), you are more likely to be getting money directly to someone who is going to use the money to exist and not to buy another private yacht.

Of course, some things make sense to make and distribute on a large scale (I've never heard of a local computer-maker...), but so much of what we need (food, clothing, shelter, etc) and even much of what we don't need can be done at the local level which is awesome.

I think that while there is nothing shameful in accepting assistance when in need, and I think that we absolutely should help people who are in need.  However, I think the idea of supporting our local economy is wonderful because I think it can help fewer people reach the point of being in need of assistance.  I think most people want to work for a living, and local economies can provide rewarding, authentic jobs that will help them do just that.

This is non-partisan, too!  Who doesn't want to support their community?  Liberals want to help the down and out, so let's help prevent people from getting there.  Conservatives want to support small businesses, so let's support them by purchasing from them (even if you pay more than at the bigger store).

When you spend or invest money, you are investing in something and supporting something.  The question is, are you sure you are supporting what you value?  That's something we'll keep striving for throughout our lives.

Because things are complicated...

... I write this post.  I reposted this meme on Facebook yesterday:

I do not know where this image originally came from!  I found it here,
but they do not state where they got it from.

I then explained what I thought when I saw it:

"I suppose that some explanation would be good, too. I'm not positive what was intended by these photos, but what I see is the irony of people thanking God for food that was provided to them (so cheaply!) at the expense of the underpaid, overworked workers. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it though, and perhaps it's just making the point that we should be grateful for our farmworkers (especially since they don't get paid much... and they are part of the reason food is so cheap...)

I stand by the point of irony, though."

I think that some people may have interpreted my words as saying that the family was conscious at the time of thanking God that their food was likely provided by workers that were, in some peoples' opinions, unfairly treated.  That honestly wasn't what was happening in my mind.  I was just noticing that in our system, we end up regularly thanking God for His provision, and to me something is wrong with this because it is hard for me to say that "God's provision" is food provided by workers in horrible conditions.  Minus the provision of the sun, the rain, and the beauty of growing plants, I do not see a lot of God in our food system.  This is where I find unfortunate irony.

Before I continue, I want people to realize that I am not suggesting that families starve before buying unfairly provided food.  Life is not black and white.  We all have our own decisions to make and battles to fight.

Now, here is where I confess that I draw these conclusions on my own.  There is nothing in the Bible saying that the US food system is broken.  There is nothing stating how much farm workers should make.  There is nothing stating how often farm workers should get breaks.  There is nothing stating how much compensation they should get when they get injured doing their jobs.  It is not even a church teaching that leads me to my conclusions.  I have not yet found a church who openly speaks about these things.  It is my own personal convictions that lead me to want others to know more about our system so that they can make their decisions based on knowledge.  I do not claim to be God's voice although I believe that He is the root of my passion for these issues.  If you disagree with me, that is certainly your right.  I'm human.  It's a humble position.  I could be wrong.

If I am honest, though, I do personally believe that Christians are sorely lacking when it comes to responding to issues of social justice.  I think that this happens partially because the issues are very complicated and not very self-apparent.  When you buy green beans at the store, you probably don't even think about where it came from or who picked it.  This isn't because you are a bad person, but it is because it is not how our culture works.  However, I also believe this happens because Christians do not separate themselves from the rest of culture when it comes to consumer habits.  While we say that "whatever we do, whether in word or deed, we do it for the glory of God" (or at least make it our goal), I think that somehow our consumer decisions are often made based off of the black and white ethical guide of, "Can I afford it or not?"  While certainly it is good to avoid debt if possible, I believe that a lot more should go into the decision to purchase almost any sort of item.  Food is certainly one example.  Another example that has gone painfully ignored is the use of sweatshops around the world to create almost all of the consumer goods that we buy: clothing, toys, electronics, etc.  Unlike our food system, I do believe that it is widespread knowledge that sweatshops are a problem, but I do not observe that Christians have, in my opinion, reacted accordingly.

I know I am not perfect.  I do try to buy food from farmers making fair wages.  I do this by trying to buy most things from local farms and looking for the fair trade certification.  I buy what I can from the co-op in Corvallis since I know they research the origins of products as much as they can.  However, there is a chance that some of my food still comes from poorly treated workers.  I also try to avoid sweatshop labor by buying almost everything used.  However, even in the last year I couldn't find a used soap dispenser (which I wanted to buy to use for homemade tooth soap so that we could stop buying toothpaste), so I ended up buying a new one.  I looked, and it had the typical "Made in China" sticker, and I felt the pang of guilt, praying that the workers who made it were treated well and apologizing if they weren't.  I know I am not perfect.


It is with humbleness that I ask you to weigh my words in your heart and decide for yourself whether or not these are problems that you are called to address in your life.  I don't expect anybody will be perfect, but I think that with God we can change the world just by trying to do right!  I personally believe that our government can be used to effect positive change as well, and I encourage you to use your voice in our democracy.  However, I think it would be huge and beautiful if we all work to put our money in positive places.

Because things are complicated... I ask you to consider my words and ideas.
Because things are complicated... I come to you humbly.  I could be wrong.
Because things are complicated... I hope to give and receive grace if and when we disagree.

Thank you for all of you who take the time to read my words on this blog.  I hope that I generally come across as informative and maybe occasionally inspiring rather than judgmental and critical.  I love you all!

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew...

And wuv, twue wuv, wiww fowwow you fowevah...  Like an adorable puppy, one would presume, because that's exactly how love works!  :)


On the eve of our third anniversary, I am here re-contemplating the vexing passage of the Bible where Paul suggests to the Ephesian wives that they should submit to/obey/support/be subject to (or whatever verb your translation uses) their husbands.  Here I stand as a woman in the 21st century still trying to decide what exactly this verse means to my marriage.  I am wary of Paul's writings about women because I think that they have been used widely to crush women.  I think the writings have been used to keep women from being as productive, contributive members of society as possible.  I don't mean to necessarily blame Paul; I'm sure that I can hardly understand the culture and society of his day.  I also can't easily fathom what it would be like in a society where women were not educated and were generally not valued as much as a man.  (I pause to acknowledge that some women still suffer from this condition, but I feel like we have at least progressed greatly as a whole.)  Perhaps he was just helping his followers find order in the society they lived in.  Or perhaps we still don't quite understand Paul's intent.


I think that from my conservative Christian background, I had the impression that submission to my husband would mean giving in and letting him have his way whenever we disagree.  Fortunately, I did not come from a tradition where submitting meant obeying as a child would (even being subjected to physical punishment), although I have read writings written by people from that tradition.  I remember that when Matthew and I were engaged, my dad was concerned about using the traditional phrase, "to honor and obey."  Since these vows were the promises we were making to each other for life, it was a fair concern.  If I made that promise, I would be promising to follow Matthew and go along with what he chose for us without a fight... even if I knew it to be wrong. ("Why yes, honey!  Let's have our children get married at the age of six years old so that we can make sure we get to choose their spouse!  I'm your wife, and it's your idea, so it must be a good idea because I don't want to get spanked!" We didn't ever use that phrase in our vows, for the record.) 


My dad was even concerned with the word "submit" (which we also didn't end up using), and this I remember discussing with him at length.  At that point in life, I believed that the Bible was the Word of God that was to be taken literally at face value.  My translation told me that I was supposed to submit, so I was supposed to submit, of course!  Looking back now, I can recognize that in my conversations with my dad I didn't really know what it meant practically to submit to a husband in the first place!


I have shocked and appalled some people by now.  I say that because old-Karen would have been shocked and appalled!  I want to say that I absolutely care about how Matthew and I relate in marriage.  I want the peace and joy between us that comes from loving each other sincerely and a deep faith in God.


I just don't want to do it blindly, and I want it to be as true and healthy a relationship as possible.


Here is what I've been thinking about how we relate to each other recently.  We both consider each other's opinions and needs when making decisions.  Instead of doing whatever is best for ourselves, we work together as a team to live a fulfilling life that makes both of us happy.  For example, if I was single I would not be considering moving to Beaverton right now!  I think that I'd stay in Corvallis and work at LBCC or OSU.  However, we work as a team, and I will happily follow him where he goes because it benefits both of us in the long run.  Additionally, neither of us always wins.  Matthew, being the bigger introvert, prefers staying at home almost all the time.  I, being the lesser introvert, merely want to stay at home much of the time!  Sometimes we go out when he wants to stay in, and sometimes we stay in when I want to go out.  We both make sacrifices since we cannot change these inherent parts of our personalities.  We don't always agree on everything, but we listen to each other and try to understand each other and respect the other person's conclusion.  We both try to maintain peace by putting the other person's needs before our own.  Matthew washes the dishes sometimes even when it's my turn because sometimes I'm just tired or grumpy.  Now that's love.


Once again, disclaimer: I'm not saying that our marriage is perfect.  However, it in general feels very balanced, sustainable, and peaceful.  We do have our own set of personalities, so our marriage probably looks very different than other marriages that are 'equally successful'!

Perhaps the point is that regardless the time and age, husbands and wives need to do what they need to do to cooperate and get along in a manner that promotes love, peace and a happy household.  However, I don't know if I've ever heard a sermon or even many discussions about the idea about how husbands and wives relate that really get into the actual nitty gritty, day-to-day understandings of how husbands and wives relate to other in this day and age.  I feel like there is often a fear of dishonoring God or being blasphemous if we don't stick to the well-worn words about how women are supposed to be submissive (and subservient...) to their husbands.  I tend think that God can handle a sincere and thoughtful questioner, and I believe that He'd just love for us to search for a meaningful understanding of the bigger truth about marriage that can't even begin to be contained in a book.  So I think that we're free to discuss, be thoughtful, ask God, and look for some applicable truth in the matter!

On the vows note, here are our vows from three years ago:

"Today, Karen/Matthew, I take you to be my wife/husband.
I make a commitment to you today:
With God's help I will love and serve,
Honor, and protect you.
I'm choosing today
to spend the rest of my life with you.
I will walk with you when life is good,
and thru every storm.
Karen/Matthew, you are a gift to me from God.
I hope others see His heart and love,
in the way I care for you.
Today, I pledge my love to you."


And I still mean every word!  I love you, Matthew!

Matthew and Karen on dating, engagement, and marriage

Recently I stumbled onto a website that was created because the creator thought that the internet was abundant in advice for finding the right guy to date but not for figuring out who to marry.  The website seemed to focus on becoming a good woman that would be able to have a good marriage.  I think that this is an admirable goal, and I think that men and women should both think about what kind of person he/she wants to commit to and what kind of person he/she can be to nurture a healthy marriage. As our third anniversary comes up, I figure that maybe we have something to say on the subject.  I don't claim to have the answers to everything, but I can talk about what we have learned.  In fact, I can also rope my husband into talking about what he has learned too!  While we're not perfect, I'd have to say that we are stable, happy, and loving, and that's a good place to be.  Matthew and I answered some questions that I would have been interested in reading about especially before marriage, and I recorded our answers in the rest of this blog.  We were typing our answers simultaneously which is the cause of the overlap in our answers.  If you have other questions that you want to have answered, please leave a comment, and I'll make sure that we both answer your questions! :)


Q: In the beginning, how did you decide to date each other?
Karen: Honestly, I almost didn't.  I was just finishing getting over a break-up, and Matthew's first impression on me was actually a bit overwhelming!  Not that I should judge people based on fashion, but a man speaking in weird accents while wearing a t-shirt tucked into pleated khakis with a belt holding a cell phone was not the type of person that I ever imagined dating.  Fortunately, I am not as picky when it comes to friends!  Once I got to know him (and perhaps helped him shop for a pair of jeans...), I eventually realized that he was actually a pretty interesting, and very nice, guy.  It still took me awhile to feel comfortable with the idea of dating because I wasn't in a hurry to get my heart broken again, but in the end I decided to take the risk because he seemed to be worth it.
Matthew: We started out being friends, which let us get to know each other before dating. When we realized that we both liked each other and wanted to consider moving the relationship to the level of dating, we both took time to think and pray about whether we should do so or not. We both wanted to get into a romantic relationship only if we thought it had the potential to move beyond dating. After thinking and praying for a few weeks, we felt that this relationship did have that potential, so we decided to start dating.

Q: When did you start to be "serious"?
Matthew: We started talking about "serious" relationship issues right from the beginning of our dating relationship, and we went into dating with the understanding that the relationship had the potential to lead to marriage, so I would say we were "serious" from the very beginning of our dating.
Karen: Almost immediately.  I didn't want to date if I wasn't serious because broken attachments are lame.  I didn't want to get married right away, but I wanted to date only someone I could marry.

Q: What did you discuss before you got engaged?
Karen: Pretty much anything we considered important to us and some things that weren't.  Faith, practice of faith, family, friends, how to split work/household/child rearing duties, money, use of time.  We also probably made fun of physics (because it's so laughable).
Matthew: We talked about everything we could think of that would potentially affect our relationship before getting engaged. We talked about our faith, kids (how many, etc.), various life goals (careers, etc.), money, splitting up chores/work/etc.

Q: Did you agree on everything?
Karen: Pretty much on these really important matters.
Matthew: Yes, or at least I don't remember anything that we disagreed on that was important.

Q: Was there anything you didn't agree about?  Or anything that bothered you about each other?
Karen: One thing that bothered me about Matthew sometimes was the fact that he wouldn't want to try anything new.  I'd want to go running in the snow, go dancing, or do something social, and he'd rather stay home.
Matthew: Of course we had things that bothered each other or points where we disagreed. For example, Karen really didn't like my clothing and facial hair choices, and I found her mild OCD annoying at times.

Q: Did anybody change as a result of these disagreements?
Karen: Matthew made a few clothing (and facial hair...) changes at my request near the beginning of our relationship.  I'd have to say that we certainly didn't change our personalities though!

Q: How did you decide to get engaged?
Karen: It really was just the next step in the relationship.  We were getting to the point where we felt old enough and responsible enough to start a life together.  We talked about it thoroughly beforehand, but after sharing a couple of years together, I felt confident that we could continue to share years until death do us part.  Matthew was an important part of my life, I loved him, and I could see us spurring each other to be better people for the rest of our lives.
Matthew: We actually might as well have been engaged before we actually got engaged. As our relationship matured, we talked about marriage and got to know and love each other more. Eventually we got to a point where we had decided that we wanted to get married, but just not when. Our decision as to when to get engaged was based on when we thought it would be a good idea to get married as far as life events went, balanced out by our impatience to BE married already ;).

Q: Did you ever live together during this time?  Why or why not?
Matthew: No.
Karen: No, we didn't.  We both had strong beliefs about saving sex for marriage which certainly is easier if you're not living together.
Matthew: What she said.

Q: Do you think that living together would have made your marriage any easier/better?  Was it a shock to move in together when you got married?
Karen: Honestly, it was a fairly natural transition from engagement to marriage.  We spent most of our days together anyway, so the difference was that Matthew didn't leave when I went to bed.  We had already seen most of each other's quirks, and we had committed to love each other regardless of quirks.
Matthew: Though obviously I can't say this for certain, since we didn't live together, I think that it was actually better that we did not. It made getting married that much more of a significant step in our lives, and the merging of our things and such that we had to do when we moved in together in some ways symbolized our new lives beginning.
Karen: Of course, it's the couple's choice, but as far as we're concerned, not living together probably made things better and not worse.

Q: Was marriage what you expected it to be at the beginning?
Karen: In a lot of ways, yes.  It was a really sweet time of celebration, and we were ecstatic to be a married couple.  One thing that was weird for me was that I went through a brief period of depression on our honeymoon for some reason.  Post-wedding letdown and exhaustion, perhaps?  For the most part, it was just a happy time to adjust to having each other, and we quickly began a continuing tradition of snuggles at bedtime and snuggles first thing in the morning.  It's still a marriage favorite.

Q: How has marriage changed in the last three years?
Karen: It has changed from an exciting new relationship to a welcome, well-worn relationship.  We have also started to figure out how to better communicate and have a routine that makes us both generally happy.  Where excitement has faded, stability and general well-being has come to stay.
Matthew: Well, the newness has worn off, but that's not really a bad thing, just moving into another stage of life. We have learned to talk out any problems or issues we have better. Our relationship has gotten more stable, roots digging deeper over time.

Q: Are things as lovey-dovey as they used to be?  And what about grumpiness and anger?  What about fighting?  Is there more of that?
Matthew: Things are not as lovey-dovey as they used to be. We do tend to get grumpy/angry a little more often, since we've gotten to the stage where our guards are completely down and we're not trying to impress the other person as much, but getting things out in the open allows us to deal with them better. There is some fighting, but not very much, and again it is good to get things out into the open.
Karen: No, we're not as lovey-dovey.  We still are very affectionate and we tell each other we love each other, but we just aren't riding the emotional high anymore.  Yes, grumpiness happens in the Smith household.  I tend to get grumpy when I'm stressed out, and I can be fairly obnoxious.  I think that serious anger and fighting have rarely showed up.  Perhaps our fighting is really more arguing?  Despite these times, I think that we just give each other grace in the end because we're human, and humans become grouchy sometimes.  Apologies and forgiveness are key though.

Q: What advice would you give to people considering marriage?
Karen: Oh so many things... First, love is a choice and an action, not an emotion.  Also, loving your husband should involve putting his needs first, and ideally he'll be doing the same thing.  Finding pleasure in the other person's happiness helps the relationship stay flexible, cooperative, and healthy.
Matthew: Talk about it. And talk about everything you can think of that would pertain to getting/being married. Let the other person know what your expectations are for marriage and listen to theirs. Remember that the other person is not the same as you and may act in ways you would consider irrational or strange, and learn to deal with that (and forgive, when necessary). Make a choice to love the other person, even when they are being irrational/strange/annoying/grumpy/infuriating/etc. Also, talk to people you trust about how they see the relationship, as outsiders can sometimes see things that you cannot.
Karen: Speak gently.  Try not to be mean, and apologize when that plan fails.  Remember why you love your husband even when he's doing something ridiculous (like playing an online game WAY too much of the time!).  Communicate about everything.  Expect your partner to change, and either make the change with him or allow him to be himself.  However, don't expect your husband to change his personality or fundamental self.  Listen, listen, listen!

Who am I?

I've been struggling recently because I have been feeling like not very many people really know and understand me.  I doubt that I am even close to the only person who feels this way, but I wanted to get out my feelings because this really challenges me.

I think that part of my anxiety is self-inflicted.  I have changed a lot in the past two to three years, and the person I am now is a person that I would have looked down upon a few years ago.  Consequently, I am convinced that others are looking down on me.  However, I feel fairly confident that some do because old me knew people that agreed with old me.

I think that I also make my own life difficult by being so introverted.  I struggle to talk about myself with most people.  I used to justify my silence by believing that I was being selfless by listening instead of talking.  Now I realize that it's not out of selflessness but rather social awkwardness.  I've honestly gotten better at this, but I realize that I'm difficult to get to know.  For those of you who care about this, sorry.

That all being said, I feel fairly confident about displaying myself in writing perhaps because I know that I'm not forcing anybody to read what I am saying.  I'd like to talk about who I think I am and why I feel like people "misunderstand" me.

I think most people who know me even a little bit well understand that my primary motivator in life is my love for and faith in God.  While my faith evolves, it never changes in importance in my life.  I try to let all of my actions be motivated out of that faith, and as such I do my best to love people and take care of that which is entrusted to me.

One way that I express my faith that is truly important to me is through living in a simple manner that is healthy for our planet and, as I keep finding, healthy for me.  Through this lifestyle I have become less attached to material possessions, and I spend more time on fulfilling activities like spending time with friends and my husband.  I find relief within my own conscience by being as careful a consumer as I can.  This means that I try to buy fewer things, more used items, and food/things made ethically by people.  These changes, along with many others, create a lifestyle that is very significant to me.

Past Karen dislikes Present Karen.  Let's use some labels here.  In the past, I was a conservative Christian.  Currently, since we're using labels, I'd have to label myself a liberal Christian.  At the very least, I believe a lot of the things that I considered to be liberal when I was conservative.  The problem is, I judged liberal Christians when I was more conservative.  This makes me very self-conscious now because I feel like I'm being judged.  I know that there are people out there who think that I am maligning God's truth because I used to be one of those people!

Additionally, Present Karen makes Past Karen feel guilty because Present Karen is downright inconvenient.  Past Karen likes new clothes and shoes, being able to buy anything (within reason) that she can afford, not caring about using and throwing away plastic and other disposable items, driving her personal car, etc.  As a result, I feel like I must make other people feel guilty which makes me feel bad.  I never do what I do to cause guilt but rather out of simple conviction in my own spirit.  It's part of me.

Now I feel like my friends and family who are "conservative Christians" judge me for who I am.  I'm sure not all of them do, but I once was one of them, so I know that some do.

My friends and family who are "liberal Christians" often do not share my passion for living simply, so I feel like I am an inconvenient, guilt-causer for them.

I have a few friends who are not Christian but share my interest in living simply.  I don't know if I just got lucky, but these friends seem to be fairly comfortable with my faith.  I could be wrong, but I think that they have realized that I love them as they are, and they are probably fairly relieved that I am not constantly "trying to save" them.  (Please don't judge me for that sentence anybody!  Past Karen is cringing.)  However, faith is still a touchy subject in our culture in general, so I feel lead to be sensitive in conversation so as not to be forceful with my faith.  In this manner, I feel that part of me remains somewhat veiled.

So as not to leave anybody out, I also have friends who are neither Christian nor interested in living simply.  These people also tend to get a veiled Karen.  Some more than others.

To be fair, there are certainly some people in each group try to be understanding, and some try to talk to me about my interests and even get involved in them at times.  However, for the most part, I feel like it is hard to be myself since my particular set of beliefs doesn't seem very standard.  Maybe everybody feels that way, though.

In the end, maybe this problem is not with me and my beliefs but with the fact that people find it very challenging to disagree with others gracefully.  Perhaps most of us feel like we must stay hidden.

So, to those of you who do not share my faith:  If you ever get a glimpse of God's love through me, then I celebrate that fact!  If you do not, then I want you to know that I love you anyway, and I do not make it my goal to change you.

To those of you who do not share my passion for living simply:  If you ever receive inspiration through my passion, I celebrate that fact!  If you do not, then I want you to know that I love you anyway, and I do not make it my goal to change you.

Can you love me too?  I mean the real me.  Not the person you want me to be.  Not the person you believe I am so that I fit into your mold of people that you feel like you're allowed to like.  Me?

Props to Parents

I have to give props to my parents because without them I wouldn't exist.  However, I think they're especially cool because they still are my parents even though I'm twenty-three years old.  As I get older, I realize that I can rely on my mom and dad to care about me and always be interested in what is happening in my life.  In a world of busy people with clashing opinions, it is nice to have the security of people who just love you.  Period.

I don't want this post to be too idealistic because my relationship with my parents is real.  There were times when I was growing up that we got mad at each other and I thought that they were trying to make me miserable. I'm sure there were times where they looked at me and wondered what in the world was wrong with me, too.  I think that a lot of the time perhaps we did not communicate as well as we could have, and I think that we caused each other hard times as a result.

That all being said, it's nice to be able to look back and see my parents as people and not just parents.  I now understand their actions better now that I'm old enough to understand that they experience life's stresses, pains, and joys as I do.

My dad is an interesting person who enjoys discussing what's going on in life and what's happening in the world.  He likes big ideas, and he is very good at carrying out thoughtful discussions.  He is thoughtful, and I recognize that he taught me very well about being considerate of other's needs.  My mom is one of the sweetest, most patient people that I know, and she deserves a special reward for putting up with "teenage-Karen."  I think mom needs to speak up more because she has useful things to say, but she still has managed to teach me by just being her quiet self.

Twenty-three years is a long relationship, and I appreciate all of the good they have done for me, and I forgive them for any imperfections as well. :)  

Thanks for doing your best at parenthood!  I miss you when you're out-of-state, and I love you!

God loves homosexuals

This post has been in the workings for longer than I've had my blog.  I'm nervous to write this because I don't think there is a possible way for me to write about this subject without offending somebody, and I don't generally enjoy confrontations.  Especially when it is a highly-charged subject.  However, I've recently learned that I feel like I want to stand up for people who are swept under the rug, and I have decided that a blog is a great way to do it because if you are reading this, it is your choice.  I appreciate it when people do read what I say, but please realize that I am not trying to force my ideas upon you.  I am merely sharing my thoughts and findings as I go about life.

The topic of homosexuality was a point of struggle for me for years.  My church experiences as a teen taught me that homosexuality was a sinful choice made by a person, and it was somehow considered a "more serious" sin.  The kind that can keep you from being a pastor.  The kind that cause you to be considered a "false believer" if you claim to be a Christian.  There was honestly a sense of disgust amongst the people.  I don't think most people would admit disgust, but you could feel it.  Of course, we probably all know that some people are willing to admit more than disgust.  We see the people in the news holding the signs saying, "God hates gays."

I don't hear these words enough: God loves gay people.  Immeasurably.  As much as He loves me.  He is not disgusted by these people any more than he is disgusted by me.  He loves them, and He wants what is good for them.

Unfortunately, I think that part of the reason that some parts of the church get to avoid difficult discussion is because people still hold onto the belief that homosexual individuals choose to be homosexual, and, with God, they can choose to be heterosexual.  I used to believe this, too.  It was the only way that it really felt right to condemn them so strongly.  However, I think that there is significant evidence that for many people who label themselves as homosexual, it is not a choice.  Although the causes seem to be complex, it appears that just like something in my brain makes me attracted to men, something in their brain makes them attracted to the same sex.  This has forced me to rethink and gain a better understanding of my beliefs.  It is a big deal to tell a person that if he or she ever has sex it will be a sin against God.

I know that the urge is to cling to the Bible verses that we repeat to ourselves over and over again.  The ones that "make it clear" that homosexuality is "an abomination."  However, I have pored over those verses and read different translations, and I have read about the process of translating them.  I am not ready to accept the mainstream interpretations.  There is compelling evidence that translators are not conveying the messages intended, whether intentionally or accidentally.  There is also compelling evidence that we might not understand  the intended meaning of the passage, regardless of correct translation, because we do not understand the context and the culture.  This is why some scholars decide that committed homosexual relationships are not condemned by God.  They are not trying to make things convenient for themselves.  They are trying to understand the intention of the text so that they can make decisions in their lives accordingly.

That's what I want to do as well.  I have written before about how I approach the Bible, and I know that it's not always what people want to hear from me.  I promise that I am not making my decisions lightly.  I want to believe the truth as well, and I'm working to find that.  My decision regarding homosexuality is to take a position of support for these human beings because that is what these people are first and foremost: human beings.  I don't want to make a decision for them about sexuality.  I don't want to condemn them.  I would like to share life with them just as much as with anybody else.  Regarding a homosexual Christian, I would encourage him or her in the same way that I encourage a heterosexual Christian: Love God, love people, be open to whatever path you are lead on, and seek the truth.  God loves each person, and I trust that we are all guided onto a good path if we ask to be.  Regarding a homosexual non-Christian, it is absolutely no right of mine to judge this person anyway.  All I am required to do is pour love and goodness into his or her life.

~~~~~

I want to give a website that I found really helpful to hear points-of-view that aren't given their fair share of the attention: http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibl.htm
I enjoyed perusing through the links, and I think that they do a nice job of sharing all sorts of points-of-view.  One paragraph, found on this page, that really hit home was:
"At the time of Martin Luther, "arsenokoitai" was universally interpreted as masturbator. But by the 20th century, masturbation had become a more generally accepted behavior. So, new translations abandoned references to masturbators and switched the attack to homosexuals. The last religious writing in English that interpreted 1 Corinthians 6:9 as referring to masturbation is believed to be the [Roman] Catholic Encyclopedia of 1967."
To put this into context, "arsenokoitai" is the term that Paul seems to coin in 1 Corinthians.  There is no written record of the word being used prior to this book, and as such, people have struggled to translate it.  This humbles me, and it reminds me of how careful we have to be as we seek meaning through text.

What Valentine's Day looks like...

A beautiful rainy day in Oregon! Seriously pouring...

Valentine's Day is a great day to give blood! What better way to tell up to three people that you love them than by helping to save their lives? On a separate note, I was curious to see how my iron levels were doing, and I actually have better iron than before changing to a "near vegetarian" diet. Go leafy greens!

Nerdy Valentine for Matthew...

Eh?

Obligatory adorable shot!

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope it was filled with love in some way!

Relationship Three

The Story:

Matthew and I met in physics lab our first term of college in 2005. That particular week, I wanted to get out of lab quickly so that I could make it to a birthday party. I had seen Matthew in my honors math class, so I figured that if I worked with him I was more likely to get out quickly. It worked!

Matthew and I became friends on Facebook, and he added me on AIM. I was still raw from the abrupt end to my relationship with Andrew, and I had my emotional walls raised. However, I had let my guard down with Matthew for a few reasons. First of all, the first time I saw him was in his Facebook picture before college even started, and he looked really grouchy in it. I was convinced he was a grumpy person who hated the world. (I was later told that he didn't like cameras.) Then, when I met him, he immediately came across as really weird. The first time I talked to him in the physics lab, he randomly would switch into horrible accents. He wore pleated khaki pants with his t-shirt tucked in and his cellphone in a holster on his belt. He also had a little fuzz mustache that didn't seem to grow in. While these things didn't make me not want to be friends with him, they certainly didn't make him immediately attractive to me.

However, we started hanging out both when doing homework and in social circumstances like large UNO parties in my dorm. I also made friends with his roommate who happened to also be his cousin, and the three of us spent a lot of time together that term. Matthew and I also spent a lot of time talking in person and on AIM. I learned that he was a good listener and a really caring person. I still needed someone to talk with me while my insides ached from my last relationship, and for some reason Matthew became the person I depended on most.

After Thanksgiving, we started to illusively hint that we each had a secret. We were enigmatically trying to hint that we liked each other, but neither of us wanted to say it first. Finally, we decided to reveal our secrets. I made Matthew go first. How fun it was to hear that he did like me, and it was nice to be able to tell him that the feelings were mutual!

When I went home at Christmas, Matthew gave me flowers because he knew that I had missed getting them in my last relationship. Over our month-long Christmas break, we discussed the idea of dating. We created a pros and cons list. We talked about what we wanted in a relationship and in the future. I told him I was scared of getting hurt again. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me. It would be his first relationship, and that was significant to me because he was practical enough that he wouldn't date someone he didn't seriously care about. We both prayed about our decision, and in the end we felt like we could go forward in our relationship.

In January, we began our journey as a couple. I admit, there were a few things I asked him to do. He very quickly learned that I liked his mustache shaved, his shirt untucked, his cell phone in his pocket, and jeans instead of pleated pants. He hadn't even noticed the pleats.

The next couple years were spent in a pleasant dating relationship where we gradually got to know each other. We took classes together and worked together, and we also spent time with friends or just hanging out. I cried on him time and time again when I was overwhelmed by the stress of classes. He'd let me recite definitions and theorems to him while I baked cookies during one of my most difficult terms.

I learned that he did not appreciate spontaneity like I did, and we struggled to figure out how to enjoy our time together so that both of us were fulfilled. He learned that sometimes I just can't let things go. I learned that he struggled to express emotions. He learned that I can get grouchy at times. Despite these things, we mostly learned to love each other, care for each other, and have fun spending time together.

After we had been dating for a few months, I would occasionally be filled with fear that he would leave me like Andrew did. I became convinced that I was worthless, and Matthew would figure that out and break up with me. Matthew would be holding me, and in my happiness the fear would creep in, and I would slip into sorrow and tears. He struggled to let me know that he loved me while not pretending to know the future of our relationship. It was scary to feel myself caring more about him.

During my sophomore year of college, we started talking about marriage. We had dated long enough that we realized that we were serious about each other. We spent that year talking about the details of that type of commitment, and by the summer, we were fairly convinced that we wanted to get married after our junior year. We wanted to do things right and include our families in the decision, so Matthew told his dad what he wanted to do. When he visited me and my parents that summer, he sneaked into my house before I was awake one morning, and he asked for my parents' blessing as well. It meant a lot to me that they were pleased with our relationship because I knew that we were fairly young.

He officially proposed to me in early September just a couple of weeks before we began our junior year of college. He made me dinner and had a lovely date planned. He asked me to marry him by the Willamette River where which was one of my favorite places in Corvallis. I said yes, I cried, and we both were very excited. He also kissed me on the lips for the first time that day.

The following year was a whirlwind of planning the wedding, continuing to do well in school, and living life in general. He was in an internship program that would have him working from April through September, and we waited nervously during February to hear where he was placed. We had hoped he would be in Corvallis or Albany, so we were a bit disappointed when he was placed in Beaverton since it was an hour and a half away. Being me, I cried.

During the months leading up to the wedding, I saw Matthew every other weekend, and I missed him a lot. We would talk on AIM and on the phone each night, and I would cry profusely each time he left at the end of a visit. However, it made the idea of our wedding day even more exciting.

The week of the wedding finally came, and it was a flurry of bridal showers, last minute details, and preparing the food for the wedding! I spent most of my 21st birthday with my Maid of Honor baking the wedding cake and making other baked goods to feed our guests. That evening, Matthew arrived in Waldport from Beaverton, and suddenly we were with each other and about to get married. What a good birthday present.

The day finally came, and the wedding was filled with love, family, and friends. It truly was the happiest day of my life. The anticipation for the day had been building for years, and to finally come together and commit our lives to each other and to God was an wonderfully emotional experience.

We moved in together first in Beaverton for a couple of weeks as Matthew finished his job, and then back in Corvallis in the place that I had been living before we got married. Our apartment in Corvallis was horrifyingly run-down, and I affectionately called it the "mouse nest." I did my student teaching the next two terms, and he immediately had his work cut out for him as a husband because I was constantly working, exhausted, and as stressed as I ever had been. I looked forward to coming home to him each day.

The next two and a half years were filled with us spending time with each other. Taking time to show love. Forgiving each other when we made mistakes. Working to understand and accept differences in personalities. Smiling at each other. Comforting each other with hugs and kind words. Supporting each other as we help each other grow and change and become better. Taking walks and talking about the future. Loving the other person.

And we still are.

Reflection:

This is honestly just a glimpse of our story. We have been together as a couple for over five years, and there are just too many memories and lessons learned to share here. I'm always happy to talk to people, though, if you have questions.

Looking back, I think that my relationship with Andrew helped prepare me to be able to love and accept Matthew for who he is. I mentioned that I asked Matthew to change a few things at the beginning of the relationship, but after that, I haven't asked him to change. Mind you, I do challenge him to be better, just as he does for me. However, I think that he has always known that regardless, I love him and support him.

Marriage has taught me a lot about love. Love is a choice. When you are married to someone, you realize how very human the person is. However, in that human is amazing things. You can choose to see and cultivate the good and constantly forgive the bad. You can think of your spouse's needs above your own so that you do not grow bitter but instead find happiness in his happiness. It takes work and care to tend such a close relationship, but it is absolutely worth it. Matthew regularly fills me with joy, and I cannot imagine my life without him.

Relationship Two

The Story:

Near the end of my junior year, I was convinced that I would not date again until I went to college. I was mostly alright with that. I remember being pretty happy with life at that point. Of course, MSN messenger once again changed my life.

Andrew was very quiet and reserved. When we started talking on MSN, I think that we mostly joked around and talked about things from school. Whatever we said, I'm sure that it was very nerdy. My friends and I were planning to go to prom as a group, and while online one night, I invited Andrew to join the group. He said that he would join us because he was planning on inviting me anyway. I remember seeing that on the screen and having my stomach do the flip-flop that I regularly got as a teenager.

With that flip-flop, I began to realize that perhaps I was interested in Andrew. In the month leading up to the prom, it ended up that the group plans turned into three couples making plans together. Andrew and I also somehow ended up discussing the idea of dating. We deliberated for awhile. We talked about how he was leaving for college that August. We discussed how we viewed dating and relationships. We laid out all the details.

One of my reservations was the fact that he was Catholic while I was a Protestant of sorts. I was under the impression that Catholics were wrong and believed wrong things, but when talking to Andrew about beliefs, I learned that there were only subtle differences between what we believed. He explained all of the traditions of his faith, and I was satisfied.

We went to prom together, and we had a really good time with our friends and each other. We had a good enough time that when we talked the next day, he told me that he had thought and prayed about our relationship, and he believed that God was letting him date me. Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop went the belly, and we made our relationship official.

The last couple months of school and throughout the summer we spent as much time as we could together. The realization that a long-distance relationship loomed around the corner made us appreciate each moment. We played Egyptian Rat Slap while at track meets, and we regularly crushed all the competition, and then we'd play against each other for hours. On the way home from the late-night track meets, we would lean against each other and rest. Our little nerd romance thrilled the track coach and probably overwhelmed everyone else with nerdy adorableness. Andrew also surprised and thrilled me by his enjoyment of ballroom dancing.

The one thing I remember being dissatisfied about was romantic expression. I wanted flowers! I wanted romantic dates! I wanted excitement! He told me he didn't understand the point of these things, so they generally only happened by accident or when I made them happen.

A highlight of the summer was when I went with his family on a camping trip over the 4th of July. Sitting in a fold out loveseat with my head against his chest listening to his heart while watching the fireworks was all my teenage heart needed for contentment.

When we got back to his house, we were figuring out what we wanted to do. He made me stand up, and he said that all he really wanted to do was kiss me. And he did! The surprise of the kiss made it remarkable.

However, the summer of fun ended, and the dreaded moment came: We had to say goodbye because he was heading to college. That day all I could do is cry. My nose ran everywhere. I was filled with pain at the thought of the loneliness. Despite my best efforts, the day ended, and he left.

The following months were filled with emails and MSN chats. We both missed each other dreadfully. He confessed to crying for the first time since he was 12. It was an intense time of life emotionally. We were used to expressing love for each other through hugs, kisses, and hand-holding, and suddenly we only had text to communicate. Neither of us had a cell-phone, so we only talked occasionally by phone because it was so expensive.

Christmas came, and I went to the airport with his parents to pick him up as a surprise. Words cannot express the relief and joy that I felt when I saw him and his puffy hair in the airport. During his month of break, I spent every moment possible with him. However, the month ended, and an even more painful goodbye followed. We now knew exactly how difficult things were while he was gone.

Every once in awhile, Andrew would send an email that was filled with words that made me feel special and loved. However, the emails became shorter and less frequent, and my pain increased. I checked my email often and waited at night praying desperately that he would sign onto MSN. My stomach would flip upside-down the rare night that I did hear from him. The rest of the time I went to bed with my heart breaking. I was in pain, and I missed him horribly, and I wanted more. I wanted to feel cared about again, and I wanted to feel romance in the distance relationship. I asked for romantic notes and poems, but he didn't know how to do this for me.

Spring break came, and he came over to my house and broke up with me. Out of the blue. I had no idea that it was coming. He told me that my needing to talk to him so much was putting stress on him that he couldn't handle. I told him that he should have told me there was a problem so that we could have worked it out. He agreed that we could try again if I was willing to work on not pressuring him.

Between spring and summer, I spent most of the time in anguish because I was trying to stay close to him but not push him. I desperately wanted to hear from him, but I also wanted to give him space. He wrote, but not as often as I hoped. I sent letters and emails telling him how much I loved him and hoped he was happy. The only thing that I held onto was the fact that he'd be back for the summer.

May came and with it the end of Andrew's first year at college. My relief was palpable. I was ecstatic at the thought of seeing him again and picking up our relationship where we left off. However, he had different plans.

One afternoon, we went for a walk, and he told me that he was ending our relationship for real. I felt my insides crack. I think I begged for him to reconsider. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to understand what had changed. I wanted to know how he could have loved me so much and then not love me anymore. He didn't really know how to answer me. He just knew that he didn't care about me as much anymore. I just didn't understand how the love I believed would go on forever could just stop.

I stomped into the trees and sat against a trunk and sobbed for a long time after he left me and went home. Eventually, his mom came for me. She wanted me to come back for Wednesday dinner which was a weekly tradition we had that whole year. I politely forced as much of my food as I could into my mouth as I tried not to bawl at the dinner table. I loved their family and how much his mom tried to maintain the friendship we had developed, but that night I got out of there as soon as possible.

But I couldn't go home yet. I wanted to be distracted, so I went to youth group. It wasn't enough though. I sat silently crying all the way through it.

At home, I had to tell my parents what happened which began a painful journey of letting people know that after 13 months and a school year of distance dating, our relationship had ended. I couldn't talk about it without drowning in tears. I couldn't sleep at night without waking up filled with sorrow and pain. I ended up getting online and talking to a friend of Andrew's from college who listened and comforted me in the wee hours of morning. I had never even met him, but he was so nice to me.

I cried periodically in class during the next school days. At home, I walked in the living room, and suddenly was overwhelmed with a pain that made me immediately lie down and sob into the carpet. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone, so I asked a friend to spend the night that weekend. I was a horrible sobbing host, but she stood by me even though we were not the closest friends. I just needed someone, and she was there for me.

As weeks went by, I began to have days that I might not cry. Andrew and I didn't talk to each other much. I don't think we knew how to relate to each other after going through so much pain because of our relationship. I continued to try to make him wish that I was still his girlfriend, but it didn't work. I wanted it to work, but as time went on, I didn't want it as much.

Reflection:

This story was very difficult for me to write. Thirteen months is a long relationship to summarize. It was also an extremely emotional relationship. I experienced some of my highest highs and lowest lows from this relationship. I still cry when I recall the pain of the break-up.

Over a year later, I asked him why we broke up, and he told me he just didn't feel like our being together was right anymore. I still don't really understand what happened, and perhaps it really was mostly the distance that hurt us. In the long run, I'm happy that I got to meet Matthew, and that Andrew and I didn't have to go through the stress of distance dating for the next few years.

One thing that it was hard for me to express in the story was how much I wanted from him. I think I wanted things from him that he couldn't give. I wanted the romance I saw in the movies, and he was a very practical person. He loved me though. He cared for me in his own way, and I told him I saw that. However, I wanted more. This probably stressed him out.

I feel bad for pressing him after our relationship, too. He probably was still hurting as well, and it wasn't very nice for me to continue to put pressure on him. I still hope that it wasn't my inability to let go that caused us to be unable to stay friends.

I still am looking back at our relationship to try to gain understanding and learn from it. I again don't regret this relationship. I learned a lot about loving someone, and Andrew really was another great guy who treated me well. It's just a relationship that still holds mystery to me.

Relationship One

The Story:

I was a shy 15-year-old tenth grader. I was intelligent in a nerdy way which wasn't terribly cool. I also was a bit chunky, funny-looking, and I wore weird clothes. Of course, I had been dealing with all of these things since I was 11, so it wasn't really a surprise. However, that didn't make me feel any better. I was that awkward girl that guys loved to talk to about their girl problems, but no guy had ever taken an interest in at least to my, and all of my girl friends', knowledge. This was kind of a big deal.

This was also the first year of my life that I was learning how to live with faith in God. Due to another dramatic and traumatic boy experience in ninth grade, I fell deep into a pit of pain that only God could lift me out of, and for the first time in my life He became relational to me. So there I was, making changes, screwing some things up, making some things better, and all the while still feeling a hole inside of me that cried out to be filled. I was lonely. I wanted to be special to someone. I wanted a boyfriend.

I got to be closer friends with a boy named Chris that year. He was a very quiet guy, but when he opened up I found that he was smart and interesting. Before the end of sophomore year, I decided I had a crush on him. I can't remember how we discovered that we both were interested in the other person, but I can imagine that either our friends pieced us together or the truth came out one night on our good friend MSN Messenger.

Finally! Someone liked ME! I remember that I asked him basic questions about what he believed about God and faith and such. It was important enough to me at that point that I wanted someone who was on the same page as I was. He seemed to answer the right answers, and I'm sure that it wasn't long before we started dating.

How exciting it was to have someone whose attention was focused on me! I had someone to steal a sweatshirt from not to mention some firsts to look forward to. In particular, holding hands and maybe getting kissed were on my mind. Sure enough, it wasn't terribly long before his hand sneaked over to mine during a movie. I also remember vividly the night after a beach bonfire. He walked me up to the parking lot when my mom was supposed to pick me up, and for awhile our friends were yelling at him from the beach. As I found out later, they were apparently encouraging him to kiss me. He did. A quick peck on the lips that probably made my eyes grow wide and my cheeks blush.

My mom had to stop in Safeway after picking me up, and I sat in the car and pondered about that night. I thought about how it felt, and I remember how it didn't feel like the magic that I expected. It was nice, but not a fireworks moment. I definitely had expected a fireworks moment with a first kiss. I also contemplated what it would be like to tell my girl friends the next time I talked to them.

We spent time together over the first month of summer hanging out with friends or going to the beach together. We had fun and enjoyed the relationship. However, one conversation at the beach stopped me in my tracks. Remember, I said that I asked him about his basic beliefs before we started dating. However, during this one conversations, I learned for the first time that people can say the same words and mean different things. I was amazed and overwhelmed by the fact that a belief that I thought we both held was something that I was alone with. I couldn't contain my disappointment as I burst into tears.

I can't remember how long I spent in stress about this new discovery. I loathed the idea of breaking up, but I also was horrified by staying with someone who didn't share all of my fundamental values. I do remember that late one night I realized I had to break up with Chris, and I experienced unspeakable pain from what felt like my insides tearing apart. I couldn't handle the pain alone, so I somehow managed to get both of my parents awake and in the kitchen while I shared my agony. I don't remember what we said to each other, but they listened to me, and I went to bed again later with all of us knowing what would happen the next day.

I took a bus into Newport the following morning to help a friend's family prepare for a wedding. The irony was not lost on me. I avoided telling my friends about what was going to happen that afternoon because I knew that if I spoke, the dam would break and my tears would be unstoppable. Instead, I waited until I was done helping, and I went to talk with Chris.

He had seen it coming. I told him that I couldn't date him anymore, and he graciously let me cry all over him. Fortunately, I think that we had planned so that my mom would pick me up not too long after I got to Chris' house, so I don't think I had to stay in that situation for long.

We stayed friendly afterward. However, it was very difficult to stay friends because when I was with him, I always missed holding hands and enjoying the attention that he gave me. I realized that I was addicted to dating, in a sense, and I spent the following few months trying to live life in a way that convinced myself that I was alright without having a boyfriend. I even became fairly confident that I was alright. Not long after that, I formed a new relationship, but that's another story.

Reflections: I look back at this relationship and realize that I was honestly fairly silly to get into it in the first place. While Chris was a nice guy, there were warning signs even before dating that perhaps he wasn't the best person for me to form a relationship with. I am glad that I had as good of an experience as I did for my first relationship, but I really rushed into things. I don't have regrets here. I was young and learning, and the experience helped me to grow.

A Relationships Series

After I wrote my post on love and romance, someone suggested that I tell the stories of each relationship a little more completely. I will try to tell the story first by simply including events and emotions. However, because I am extremely reflective by nature, I probably won't be able to stop myself from including a little reflection at the very end.

As a note, these stories will have been approved by the men before I post them.

You can probably expect Relationship One, Relationship Two, and Relationship Three to appear in not-too-distant future. :)