Relationship One

The Story:

I was a shy 15-year-old tenth grader. I was intelligent in a nerdy way which wasn't terribly cool. I also was a bit chunky, funny-looking, and I wore weird clothes. Of course, I had been dealing with all of these things since I was 11, so it wasn't really a surprise. However, that didn't make me feel any better. I was that awkward girl that guys loved to talk to about their girl problems, but no guy had ever taken an interest in at least to my, and all of my girl friends', knowledge. This was kind of a big deal.

This was also the first year of my life that I was learning how to live with faith in God. Due to another dramatic and traumatic boy experience in ninth grade, I fell deep into a pit of pain that only God could lift me out of, and for the first time in my life He became relational to me. So there I was, making changes, screwing some things up, making some things better, and all the while still feeling a hole inside of me that cried out to be filled. I was lonely. I wanted to be special to someone. I wanted a boyfriend.

I got to be closer friends with a boy named Chris that year. He was a very quiet guy, but when he opened up I found that he was smart and interesting. Before the end of sophomore year, I decided I had a crush on him. I can't remember how we discovered that we both were interested in the other person, but I can imagine that either our friends pieced us together or the truth came out one night on our good friend MSN Messenger.

Finally! Someone liked ME! I remember that I asked him basic questions about what he believed about God and faith and such. It was important enough to me at that point that I wanted someone who was on the same page as I was. He seemed to answer the right answers, and I'm sure that it wasn't long before we started dating.

How exciting it was to have someone whose attention was focused on me! I had someone to steal a sweatshirt from not to mention some firsts to look forward to. In particular, holding hands and maybe getting kissed were on my mind. Sure enough, it wasn't terribly long before his hand sneaked over to mine during a movie. I also remember vividly the night after a beach bonfire. He walked me up to the parking lot when my mom was supposed to pick me up, and for awhile our friends were yelling at him from the beach. As I found out later, they were apparently encouraging him to kiss me. He did. A quick peck on the lips that probably made my eyes grow wide and my cheeks blush.

My mom had to stop in Safeway after picking me up, and I sat in the car and pondered about that night. I thought about how it felt, and I remember how it didn't feel like the magic that I expected. It was nice, but not a fireworks moment. I definitely had expected a fireworks moment with a first kiss. I also contemplated what it would be like to tell my girl friends the next time I talked to them.

We spent time together over the first month of summer hanging out with friends or going to the beach together. We had fun and enjoyed the relationship. However, one conversation at the beach stopped me in my tracks. Remember, I said that I asked him about his basic beliefs before we started dating. However, during this one conversations, I learned for the first time that people can say the same words and mean different things. I was amazed and overwhelmed by the fact that a belief that I thought we both held was something that I was alone with. I couldn't contain my disappointment as I burst into tears.

I can't remember how long I spent in stress about this new discovery. I loathed the idea of breaking up, but I also was horrified by staying with someone who didn't share all of my fundamental values. I do remember that late one night I realized I had to break up with Chris, and I experienced unspeakable pain from what felt like my insides tearing apart. I couldn't handle the pain alone, so I somehow managed to get both of my parents awake and in the kitchen while I shared my agony. I don't remember what we said to each other, but they listened to me, and I went to bed again later with all of us knowing what would happen the next day.

I took a bus into Newport the following morning to help a friend's family prepare for a wedding. The irony was not lost on me. I avoided telling my friends about what was going to happen that afternoon because I knew that if I spoke, the dam would break and my tears would be unstoppable. Instead, I waited until I was done helping, and I went to talk with Chris.

He had seen it coming. I told him that I couldn't date him anymore, and he graciously let me cry all over him. Fortunately, I think that we had planned so that my mom would pick me up not too long after I got to Chris' house, so I don't think I had to stay in that situation for long.

We stayed friendly afterward. However, it was very difficult to stay friends because when I was with him, I always missed holding hands and enjoying the attention that he gave me. I realized that I was addicted to dating, in a sense, and I spent the following few months trying to live life in a way that convinced myself that I was alright without having a boyfriend. I even became fairly confident that I was alright. Not long after that, I formed a new relationship, but that's another story.

Reflections: I look back at this relationship and realize that I was honestly fairly silly to get into it in the first place. While Chris was a nice guy, there were warning signs even before dating that perhaps he wasn't the best person for me to form a relationship with. I am glad that I had as good of an experience as I did for my first relationship, but I really rushed into things. I don't have regrets here. I was young and learning, and the experience helped me to grow.