I've been struggling recently because I have been feeling like not very many people really know and understand me. I doubt that I am even close to the only person who feels this way, but I wanted to get out my feelings because this really challenges me.
I think that part of my anxiety is self-inflicted. I have changed a lot in the past two to three years, and the person I am now is a person that I would have looked down upon a few years ago. Consequently, I am convinced that others are looking down on me. However, I feel fairly confident that some do because old me knew people that agreed with old me.
I think that I also make my own life difficult by being so introverted. I struggle to talk about myself with most people. I used to justify my silence by believing that I was being selfless by listening instead of talking. Now I realize that it's not out of selflessness but rather social awkwardness. I've honestly gotten better at this, but I realize that I'm difficult to get to know. For those of you who care about this, sorry.
That all being said, I feel fairly confident about displaying myself in writing perhaps because I know that I'm not forcing anybody to read what I am saying. I'd like to talk about who I think I am and why I feel like people "misunderstand" me.
I think most people who know me even a little bit well understand that my primary motivator in life is my love for and faith in God. While my faith evolves, it never changes in importance in my life. I try to let all of my actions be motivated out of that faith, and as such I do my best to love people and take care of that which is entrusted to me.
One way that I express my faith that is truly important to me is through living in a simple manner that is healthy for our planet and, as I keep finding, healthy for me. Through this lifestyle I have become less attached to material possessions, and I spend more time on fulfilling activities like spending time with friends and my husband. I find relief within my own conscience by being as careful a consumer as I can. This means that I try to buy fewer things, more used items, and food/things made ethically by people. These changes, along with many others, create a lifestyle that is very significant to me.
Past Karen dislikes Present Karen. Let's use some labels here. In the past, I was a conservative Christian. Currently, since we're using labels, I'd have to label myself a liberal Christian. At the very least, I believe a lot of the things that I considered to be liberal when I was conservative. The problem is, I judged liberal Christians when I was more conservative. This makes me very self-conscious now because I feel like I'm being judged. I know that there are people out there who think that I am maligning God's truth because I used to be one of those people!
Additionally, Present Karen makes Past Karen feel guilty because Present Karen is downright inconvenient. Past Karen likes new clothes and shoes, being able to buy anything (within reason) that she can afford, not caring about using and throwing away plastic and other disposable items, driving her personal car, etc. As a result, I feel like I must make other people feel guilty which makes me feel bad. I never do what I do to cause guilt but rather out of simple conviction in my own spirit. It's part of me.
Now I feel like my friends and family who are "conservative Christians" judge me for who I am. I'm sure not all of them do, but I once was one of them, so I know that some do.
My friends and family who are "liberal Christians" often do not share my passion for living simply, so I feel like I am an inconvenient, guilt-causer for them.
I have a few friends who are not Christian but share my interest in living simply. I don't know if I just got lucky, but these friends seem to be fairly comfortable with my faith. I could be wrong, but I think that they have realized that I love them as they are, and they are probably fairly relieved that I am not constantly "trying to save" them. (Please don't judge me for that sentence anybody! Past Karen is cringing.) However, faith is still a touchy subject in our culture in general, so I feel lead to be sensitive in conversation so as not to be forceful with my faith. In this manner, I feel that part of me remains somewhat veiled.
So as not to leave anybody out, I also have friends who are neither Christian nor interested in living simply. These people also tend to get a veiled Karen. Some more than others.
To be fair, there are certainly some people in each group try to be understanding, and some try to talk to me about my interests and even get involved in them at times. However, for the most part, I feel like it is hard to be myself since my particular set of beliefs doesn't seem very standard. Maybe everybody feels that way, though.
In the end, maybe this problem is not with me and my beliefs but with the fact that people find it very challenging to disagree with others gracefully. Perhaps most of us feel like we must stay hidden.
So, to those of you who do not share my faith: If you ever get a glimpse of God's love through me, then I celebrate that fact! If you do not, then I want you to know that I love you anyway, and I do not make it my goal to change you.
To those of you who do not share my passion for living simply: If you ever receive inspiration through my passion, I celebrate that fact! If you do not, then I want you to know that I love you anyway, and I do not make it my goal to change you.
Can you love me too? I mean the real me. Not the person you want me to be. Not the person you believe I am so that I fit into your mold of people that you feel like you're allowed to like. Me?
Friday, A Decade Later
2 years ago
6 comments:
Being a person is an ever-changing experience. I have nobody that even comes close to matching up with my varied opinions or preferences in how I prefer life or think it should be. But I have people who love me despite our differences. And I have God, who guides me to what really matters and gives me the freedom to be my own particular me. Every year I change my opinion or my practices on something. But there's a core there, that will never change. You just gotta give yourself grace and don't sweat the small stuff. There's a whole lot of different ways to live life, and thank goodness. It sure keeps things interesting. I bet Old Karen and New Karen would still get along pretty well, even if they did shock each other a little bit.
Old Karen would have acted kindly to New Karen, but I'm not going to lie: Old Karen would have spent every interaction with New Karen realizing that New Karen is wrong and ignoring the truth. I used to separate people into "wrong" and "right" categories, and it was very challenging for me to have conversations with people who disagreed with me. I tended to only hang out with one type of person because I couldn't relate to and interact with others.
I absolutely have a small group of people who I feel like they know me and love me for who I am, and I am grateful for these people.
I guess I just wish that I felt like I could talk to all of my friends and family and share both of our ideas and beliefs without it being a debate with a winning and a losing team or feeling like they'll look down on me if we disagree. It seems like a worthwhile goal. Of course, I am not always the best at those conversations either, but I want to try to be instead of avoiding them!
I hope that this post didn't sound like a complaint because that wasn't my intention...
Thanks for the comment! I know that you are trying to encourage me, and I appreciate it. :)
While I don't think I ever met Old Karen, she and Old Trevor would have gotten along famously. The main topic of conversation may have been about how New Karen and New Trevor (and even New-But-Not-As-New Trevor) have got it all completely wrong and how they should be pitied or made to see the "right" way of doing things.
Old Trevor was uncomfortable being an introvert. New Trevor understands his introversion, and though that understanding, has become in a small way a better Trevor. Old Trevor saw anyone who didn't agree with him as an idiot who must be shown the Truth, where New Trevor actually listens to those he disagrees with and, while not always in agreement, at least understands them.
Old Trevor would have continued this hijacking for a few pages, but New Trevor instead invites you to talk about such things any time you want, in whatever format makes you the most comfortable. You know where to find him.
Hahahaha... You made me smile because you did a great job with speaking in the third person about yourself. It's challenging, isn't it?
I appreciate your willingness to understand where people are coming from even if you disagree with their position. Thanks for letting me know you're open to talking! The invitation always remains open to you as well! :)
A wonderful post, I think I understand the feeling of not being known to most people :(. And yes, your simple life makes me feel guilty at times, but that is good right, encourages me to live a more sustainable life. Don't let Old Karen judge you, you've killed her and taken her place, to the victor goes the life and all.
Kenny, I thought of your while writing this post because I felt like perhaps this is one of our many similarities.
I'd rather cause inspiration than guilt! I appreciate that you are willing to listen to my ideas, and you know that I think you are terrific when you make changes and terrific even when you don't. :)
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