Love and Romance

I have dated three people in my lifetime. At the end of my sophomore year during 2003, I dated someone for two months. In 2004, I began dating a new person. We dated for 13 months, and he graduated and left for college (in California) during that time. We went through the agony of a distance relationship for that entire school year until he came back in May and broke up with me. When I went to college that fall, I met Matthew and we became friends. In January of 2006 we began dating, and since then we have shared five years of a mixture of dating, engagement and marriage.

There. That's my history. Now you'll know a bit about where I'm coming from.

As a teenage girl, I constantly wanted a boyfriend. The idea of a close male friend with whom I could hold hands, hug, and cuddle was exciting and produced warm fuzzies. I wanted to be loved. What is interesting is that at that point in life, I had learned about love from two main sources. My parents taught me about love. They love each other and have "put up with each other" through thick and thin for almost 30 years now. However, their love for each other was not nearly as exciting as the love in the chick flicks that I watched as a teenager. Chick flicks are full of romance, wining and dining, and random extreme acts of devotion proving the man's love for the woman. Naturally, this type of love of appealed to me!

I believe that the young man that I dated for 13 months sincerely loved me and cared for me. However, not once during those months did he get me flowers! To me, flowers were a symbol of love, and it bothered me that he never gave me any. Not only this, but he seemed to be incapable of the romantic gestures that I imagined receiving from a man who loved me. I told him that this bothered me, and if I remember correctly, I think that he said that he simply didn't understand why romantic gestures were important and thus he didn't see the reason to provide them.

Looking back, I realize that I put a lot of pressure on him to show love in a way that wasn't natural for him. I don't know if that is why he felt like he needed to end the relationship, but I certainly would understand if that was part of it. The thing is, when our relationship was going smoothly, I knew that he loved me. I just felt like love was supposed to look a certain way, so I kept pushing for things to change.

Along comes Matthew, and while we were dating, I found that he had the ability to show the occasional "romantic gesture." However, just like before, it really wasn't a big part of the relationship. Perhaps I had learned my lesson because neither Matthew nor I remember me complaining. Matthew really loved me, and I knew that.

Now that we've been together for years, I consider what the significance of romance is to our marriage. At first, I was concerned that we were doing marriage wrong because I have heard a lot of people say that you have to "keep the spark" and make sure to "keep some romance in the relationship."

Yet, even without the romantic gestures, I honestly feel like our relationship remains happy and fresh. I love him as much, if not more, than when we got married. Although I do become grumpy with him at times, he definitely brings an extra-large amount of joy into my life.

What works for us is spending a lot of time in conversation. We talk about the future, the past and now. We talk about politics, philosophy, religions, problems in the world, hopes, dreams, and anything else that comes up. We stay close. What works is showing affection. We are pretty huggy and kissy people. What works is helping each other out in the name of love. He makes my lunch in the morning because I'm slow. I will make dinner or wash dishes when he's busy at a meeting or doing homework. What works is spending time with each other.

I don't want you to believe that I am against romantic gestures. I think that they're great! However, I want to get the idea out there that perhaps they are not vital for a healthy, happy, loving relationship, and, in fact, perhaps it is harmful to expect people to fit into a mold. I have learned that apparently I tend to like guys who show their love differently. I realize that all I really need and long for is love, and the rest was just something that I thought that I was supposed to need but truly am fine without. The love in each healthy relationship probably looks as unique as the people in the relationship.

"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit."

--Peter Ustinov