Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew...

And wuv, twue wuv, wiww fowwow you fowevah...  Like an adorable puppy, one would presume, because that's exactly how love works!  :)


On the eve of our third anniversary, I am here re-contemplating the vexing passage of the Bible where Paul suggests to the Ephesian wives that they should submit to/obey/support/be subject to (or whatever verb your translation uses) their husbands.  Here I stand as a woman in the 21st century still trying to decide what exactly this verse means to my marriage.  I am wary of Paul's writings about women because I think that they have been used widely to crush women.  I think the writings have been used to keep women from being as productive, contributive members of society as possible.  I don't mean to necessarily blame Paul; I'm sure that I can hardly understand the culture and society of his day.  I also can't easily fathom what it would be like in a society where women were not educated and were generally not valued as much as a man.  (I pause to acknowledge that some women still suffer from this condition, but I feel like we have at least progressed greatly as a whole.)  Perhaps he was just helping his followers find order in the society they lived in.  Or perhaps we still don't quite understand Paul's intent.


I think that from my conservative Christian background, I had the impression that submission to my husband would mean giving in and letting him have his way whenever we disagree.  Fortunately, I did not come from a tradition where submitting meant obeying as a child would (even being subjected to physical punishment), although I have read writings written by people from that tradition.  I remember that when Matthew and I were engaged, my dad was concerned about using the traditional phrase, "to honor and obey."  Since these vows were the promises we were making to each other for life, it was a fair concern.  If I made that promise, I would be promising to follow Matthew and go along with what he chose for us without a fight... even if I knew it to be wrong. ("Why yes, honey!  Let's have our children get married at the age of six years old so that we can make sure we get to choose their spouse!  I'm your wife, and it's your idea, so it must be a good idea because I don't want to get spanked!" We didn't ever use that phrase in our vows, for the record.) 


My dad was even concerned with the word "submit" (which we also didn't end up using), and this I remember discussing with him at length.  At that point in life, I believed that the Bible was the Word of God that was to be taken literally at face value.  My translation told me that I was supposed to submit, so I was supposed to submit, of course!  Looking back now, I can recognize that in my conversations with my dad I didn't really know what it meant practically to submit to a husband in the first place!


I have shocked and appalled some people by now.  I say that because old-Karen would have been shocked and appalled!  I want to say that I absolutely care about how Matthew and I relate in marriage.  I want the peace and joy between us that comes from loving each other sincerely and a deep faith in God.


I just don't want to do it blindly, and I want it to be as true and healthy a relationship as possible.


Here is what I've been thinking about how we relate to each other recently.  We both consider each other's opinions and needs when making decisions.  Instead of doing whatever is best for ourselves, we work together as a team to live a fulfilling life that makes both of us happy.  For example, if I was single I would not be considering moving to Beaverton right now!  I think that I'd stay in Corvallis and work at LBCC or OSU.  However, we work as a team, and I will happily follow him where he goes because it benefits both of us in the long run.  Additionally, neither of us always wins.  Matthew, being the bigger introvert, prefers staying at home almost all the time.  I, being the lesser introvert, merely want to stay at home much of the time!  Sometimes we go out when he wants to stay in, and sometimes we stay in when I want to go out.  We both make sacrifices since we cannot change these inherent parts of our personalities.  We don't always agree on everything, but we listen to each other and try to understand each other and respect the other person's conclusion.  We both try to maintain peace by putting the other person's needs before our own.  Matthew washes the dishes sometimes even when it's my turn because sometimes I'm just tired or grumpy.  Now that's love.


Once again, disclaimer: I'm not saying that our marriage is perfect.  However, it in general feels very balanced, sustainable, and peaceful.  We do have our own set of personalities, so our marriage probably looks very different than other marriages that are 'equally successful'!

Perhaps the point is that regardless the time and age, husbands and wives need to do what they need to do to cooperate and get along in a manner that promotes love, peace and a happy household.  However, I don't know if I've ever heard a sermon or even many discussions about the idea about how husbands and wives relate that really get into the actual nitty gritty, day-to-day understandings of how husbands and wives relate to other in this day and age.  I feel like there is often a fear of dishonoring God or being blasphemous if we don't stick to the well-worn words about how women are supposed to be submissive (and subservient...) to their husbands.  I tend think that God can handle a sincere and thoughtful questioner, and I believe that He'd just love for us to search for a meaningful understanding of the bigger truth about marriage that can't even begin to be contained in a book.  So I think that we're free to discuss, be thoughtful, ask God, and look for some applicable truth in the matter!

On the vows note, here are our vows from three years ago:

"Today, Karen/Matthew, I take you to be my wife/husband.
I make a commitment to you today:
With God's help I will love and serve,
Honor, and protect you.
I'm choosing today
to spend the rest of my life with you.
I will walk with you when life is good,
and thru every storm.
Karen/Matthew, you are a gift to me from God.
I hope others see His heart and love,
in the way I care for you.
Today, I pledge my love to you."


And I still mean every word!  I love you, Matthew!