Relationship Two

The Story:

Near the end of my junior year, I was convinced that I would not date again until I went to college. I was mostly alright with that. I remember being pretty happy with life at that point. Of course, MSN messenger once again changed my life.

Andrew was very quiet and reserved. When we started talking on MSN, I think that we mostly joked around and talked about things from school. Whatever we said, I'm sure that it was very nerdy. My friends and I were planning to go to prom as a group, and while online one night, I invited Andrew to join the group. He said that he would join us because he was planning on inviting me anyway. I remember seeing that on the screen and having my stomach do the flip-flop that I regularly got as a teenager.

With that flip-flop, I began to realize that perhaps I was interested in Andrew. In the month leading up to the prom, it ended up that the group plans turned into three couples making plans together. Andrew and I also somehow ended up discussing the idea of dating. We deliberated for awhile. We talked about how he was leaving for college that August. We discussed how we viewed dating and relationships. We laid out all the details.

One of my reservations was the fact that he was Catholic while I was a Protestant of sorts. I was under the impression that Catholics were wrong and believed wrong things, but when talking to Andrew about beliefs, I learned that there were only subtle differences between what we believed. He explained all of the traditions of his faith, and I was satisfied.

We went to prom together, and we had a really good time with our friends and each other. We had a good enough time that when we talked the next day, he told me that he had thought and prayed about our relationship, and he believed that God was letting him date me. Flip-flop, flip-flop, flip-flop went the belly, and we made our relationship official.

The last couple months of school and throughout the summer we spent as much time as we could together. The realization that a long-distance relationship loomed around the corner made us appreciate each moment. We played Egyptian Rat Slap while at track meets, and we regularly crushed all the competition, and then we'd play against each other for hours. On the way home from the late-night track meets, we would lean against each other and rest. Our little nerd romance thrilled the track coach and probably overwhelmed everyone else with nerdy adorableness. Andrew also surprised and thrilled me by his enjoyment of ballroom dancing.

The one thing I remember being dissatisfied about was romantic expression. I wanted flowers! I wanted romantic dates! I wanted excitement! He told me he didn't understand the point of these things, so they generally only happened by accident or when I made them happen.

A highlight of the summer was when I went with his family on a camping trip over the 4th of July. Sitting in a fold out loveseat with my head against his chest listening to his heart while watching the fireworks was all my teenage heart needed for contentment.

When we got back to his house, we were figuring out what we wanted to do. He made me stand up, and he said that all he really wanted to do was kiss me. And he did! The surprise of the kiss made it remarkable.

However, the summer of fun ended, and the dreaded moment came: We had to say goodbye because he was heading to college. That day all I could do is cry. My nose ran everywhere. I was filled with pain at the thought of the loneliness. Despite my best efforts, the day ended, and he left.

The following months were filled with emails and MSN chats. We both missed each other dreadfully. He confessed to crying for the first time since he was 12. It was an intense time of life emotionally. We were used to expressing love for each other through hugs, kisses, and hand-holding, and suddenly we only had text to communicate. Neither of us had a cell-phone, so we only talked occasionally by phone because it was so expensive.

Christmas came, and I went to the airport with his parents to pick him up as a surprise. Words cannot express the relief and joy that I felt when I saw him and his puffy hair in the airport. During his month of break, I spent every moment possible with him. However, the month ended, and an even more painful goodbye followed. We now knew exactly how difficult things were while he was gone.

Every once in awhile, Andrew would send an email that was filled with words that made me feel special and loved. However, the emails became shorter and less frequent, and my pain increased. I checked my email often and waited at night praying desperately that he would sign onto MSN. My stomach would flip upside-down the rare night that I did hear from him. The rest of the time I went to bed with my heart breaking. I was in pain, and I missed him horribly, and I wanted more. I wanted to feel cared about again, and I wanted to feel romance in the distance relationship. I asked for romantic notes and poems, but he didn't know how to do this for me.

Spring break came, and he came over to my house and broke up with me. Out of the blue. I had no idea that it was coming. He told me that my needing to talk to him so much was putting stress on him that he couldn't handle. I told him that he should have told me there was a problem so that we could have worked it out. He agreed that we could try again if I was willing to work on not pressuring him.

Between spring and summer, I spent most of the time in anguish because I was trying to stay close to him but not push him. I desperately wanted to hear from him, but I also wanted to give him space. He wrote, but not as often as I hoped. I sent letters and emails telling him how much I loved him and hoped he was happy. The only thing that I held onto was the fact that he'd be back for the summer.

May came and with it the end of Andrew's first year at college. My relief was palpable. I was ecstatic at the thought of seeing him again and picking up our relationship where we left off. However, he had different plans.

One afternoon, we went for a walk, and he told me that he was ending our relationship for real. I felt my insides crack. I think I begged for him to reconsider. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to understand what had changed. I wanted to know how he could have loved me so much and then not love me anymore. He didn't really know how to answer me. He just knew that he didn't care about me as much anymore. I just didn't understand how the love I believed would go on forever could just stop.

I stomped into the trees and sat against a trunk and sobbed for a long time after he left me and went home. Eventually, his mom came for me. She wanted me to come back for Wednesday dinner which was a weekly tradition we had that whole year. I politely forced as much of my food as I could into my mouth as I tried not to bawl at the dinner table. I loved their family and how much his mom tried to maintain the friendship we had developed, but that night I got out of there as soon as possible.

But I couldn't go home yet. I wanted to be distracted, so I went to youth group. It wasn't enough though. I sat silently crying all the way through it.

At home, I had to tell my parents what happened which began a painful journey of letting people know that after 13 months and a school year of distance dating, our relationship had ended. I couldn't talk about it without drowning in tears. I couldn't sleep at night without waking up filled with sorrow and pain. I ended up getting online and talking to a friend of Andrew's from college who listened and comforted me in the wee hours of morning. I had never even met him, but he was so nice to me.

I cried periodically in class during the next school days. At home, I walked in the living room, and suddenly was overwhelmed with a pain that made me immediately lie down and sob into the carpet. I couldn't stand the thought of being alone, so I asked a friend to spend the night that weekend. I was a horrible sobbing host, but she stood by me even though we were not the closest friends. I just needed someone, and she was there for me.

As weeks went by, I began to have days that I might not cry. Andrew and I didn't talk to each other much. I don't think we knew how to relate to each other after going through so much pain because of our relationship. I continued to try to make him wish that I was still his girlfriend, but it didn't work. I wanted it to work, but as time went on, I didn't want it as much.

Reflection:

This story was very difficult for me to write. Thirteen months is a long relationship to summarize. It was also an extremely emotional relationship. I experienced some of my highest highs and lowest lows from this relationship. I still cry when I recall the pain of the break-up.

Over a year later, I asked him why we broke up, and he told me he just didn't feel like our being together was right anymore. I still don't really understand what happened, and perhaps it really was mostly the distance that hurt us. In the long run, I'm happy that I got to meet Matthew, and that Andrew and I didn't have to go through the stress of distance dating for the next few years.

One thing that it was hard for me to express in the story was how much I wanted from him. I think I wanted things from him that he couldn't give. I wanted the romance I saw in the movies, and he was a very practical person. He loved me though. He cared for me in his own way, and I told him I saw that. However, I wanted more. This probably stressed him out.

I feel bad for pressing him after our relationship, too. He probably was still hurting as well, and it wasn't very nice for me to continue to put pressure on him. I still hope that it wasn't my inability to let go that caused us to be unable to stay friends.

I still am looking back at our relationship to try to gain understanding and learn from it. I again don't regret this relationship. I learned a lot about loving someone, and Andrew really was another great guy who treated me well. It's just a relationship that still holds mystery to me.