Matthew and Karen on dating, engagement, and marriage

Recently I stumbled onto a website that was created because the creator thought that the internet was abundant in advice for finding the right guy to date but not for figuring out who to marry.  The website seemed to focus on becoming a good woman that would be able to have a good marriage.  I think that this is an admirable goal, and I think that men and women should both think about what kind of person he/she wants to commit to and what kind of person he/she can be to nurture a healthy marriage. As our third anniversary comes up, I figure that maybe we have something to say on the subject.  I don't claim to have the answers to everything, but I can talk about what we have learned.  In fact, I can also rope my husband into talking about what he has learned too!  While we're not perfect, I'd have to say that we are stable, happy, and loving, and that's a good place to be.  Matthew and I answered some questions that I would have been interested in reading about especially before marriage, and I recorded our answers in the rest of this blog.  We were typing our answers simultaneously which is the cause of the overlap in our answers.  If you have other questions that you want to have answered, please leave a comment, and I'll make sure that we both answer your questions! :)


Q: In the beginning, how did you decide to date each other?
Karen: Honestly, I almost didn't.  I was just finishing getting over a break-up, and Matthew's first impression on me was actually a bit overwhelming!  Not that I should judge people based on fashion, but a man speaking in weird accents while wearing a t-shirt tucked into pleated khakis with a belt holding a cell phone was not the type of person that I ever imagined dating.  Fortunately, I am not as picky when it comes to friends!  Once I got to know him (and perhaps helped him shop for a pair of jeans...), I eventually realized that he was actually a pretty interesting, and very nice, guy.  It still took me awhile to feel comfortable with the idea of dating because I wasn't in a hurry to get my heart broken again, but in the end I decided to take the risk because he seemed to be worth it.
Matthew: We started out being friends, which let us get to know each other before dating. When we realized that we both liked each other and wanted to consider moving the relationship to the level of dating, we both took time to think and pray about whether we should do so or not. We both wanted to get into a romantic relationship only if we thought it had the potential to move beyond dating. After thinking and praying for a few weeks, we felt that this relationship did have that potential, so we decided to start dating.

Q: When did you start to be "serious"?
Matthew: We started talking about "serious" relationship issues right from the beginning of our dating relationship, and we went into dating with the understanding that the relationship had the potential to lead to marriage, so I would say we were "serious" from the very beginning of our dating.
Karen: Almost immediately.  I didn't want to date if I wasn't serious because broken attachments are lame.  I didn't want to get married right away, but I wanted to date only someone I could marry.

Q: What did you discuss before you got engaged?
Karen: Pretty much anything we considered important to us and some things that weren't.  Faith, practice of faith, family, friends, how to split work/household/child rearing duties, money, use of time.  We also probably made fun of physics (because it's so laughable).
Matthew: We talked about everything we could think of that would potentially affect our relationship before getting engaged. We talked about our faith, kids (how many, etc.), various life goals (careers, etc.), money, splitting up chores/work/etc.

Q: Did you agree on everything?
Karen: Pretty much on these really important matters.
Matthew: Yes, or at least I don't remember anything that we disagreed on that was important.

Q: Was there anything you didn't agree about?  Or anything that bothered you about each other?
Karen: One thing that bothered me about Matthew sometimes was the fact that he wouldn't want to try anything new.  I'd want to go running in the snow, go dancing, or do something social, and he'd rather stay home.
Matthew: Of course we had things that bothered each other or points where we disagreed. For example, Karen really didn't like my clothing and facial hair choices, and I found her mild OCD annoying at times.

Q: Did anybody change as a result of these disagreements?
Karen: Matthew made a few clothing (and facial hair...) changes at my request near the beginning of our relationship.  I'd have to say that we certainly didn't change our personalities though!

Q: How did you decide to get engaged?
Karen: It really was just the next step in the relationship.  We were getting to the point where we felt old enough and responsible enough to start a life together.  We talked about it thoroughly beforehand, but after sharing a couple of years together, I felt confident that we could continue to share years until death do us part.  Matthew was an important part of my life, I loved him, and I could see us spurring each other to be better people for the rest of our lives.
Matthew: We actually might as well have been engaged before we actually got engaged. As our relationship matured, we talked about marriage and got to know and love each other more. Eventually we got to a point where we had decided that we wanted to get married, but just not when. Our decision as to when to get engaged was based on when we thought it would be a good idea to get married as far as life events went, balanced out by our impatience to BE married already ;).

Q: Did you ever live together during this time?  Why or why not?
Matthew: No.
Karen: No, we didn't.  We both had strong beliefs about saving sex for marriage which certainly is easier if you're not living together.
Matthew: What she said.

Q: Do you think that living together would have made your marriage any easier/better?  Was it a shock to move in together when you got married?
Karen: Honestly, it was a fairly natural transition from engagement to marriage.  We spent most of our days together anyway, so the difference was that Matthew didn't leave when I went to bed.  We had already seen most of each other's quirks, and we had committed to love each other regardless of quirks.
Matthew: Though obviously I can't say this for certain, since we didn't live together, I think that it was actually better that we did not. It made getting married that much more of a significant step in our lives, and the merging of our things and such that we had to do when we moved in together in some ways symbolized our new lives beginning.
Karen: Of course, it's the couple's choice, but as far as we're concerned, not living together probably made things better and not worse.

Q: Was marriage what you expected it to be at the beginning?
Karen: In a lot of ways, yes.  It was a really sweet time of celebration, and we were ecstatic to be a married couple.  One thing that was weird for me was that I went through a brief period of depression on our honeymoon for some reason.  Post-wedding letdown and exhaustion, perhaps?  For the most part, it was just a happy time to adjust to having each other, and we quickly began a continuing tradition of snuggles at bedtime and snuggles first thing in the morning.  It's still a marriage favorite.

Q: How has marriage changed in the last three years?
Karen: It has changed from an exciting new relationship to a welcome, well-worn relationship.  We have also started to figure out how to better communicate and have a routine that makes us both generally happy.  Where excitement has faded, stability and general well-being has come to stay.
Matthew: Well, the newness has worn off, but that's not really a bad thing, just moving into another stage of life. We have learned to talk out any problems or issues we have better. Our relationship has gotten more stable, roots digging deeper over time.

Q: Are things as lovey-dovey as they used to be?  And what about grumpiness and anger?  What about fighting?  Is there more of that?
Matthew: Things are not as lovey-dovey as they used to be. We do tend to get grumpy/angry a little more often, since we've gotten to the stage where our guards are completely down and we're not trying to impress the other person as much, but getting things out in the open allows us to deal with them better. There is some fighting, but not very much, and again it is good to get things out into the open.
Karen: No, we're not as lovey-dovey.  We still are very affectionate and we tell each other we love each other, but we just aren't riding the emotional high anymore.  Yes, grumpiness happens in the Smith household.  I tend to get grumpy when I'm stressed out, and I can be fairly obnoxious.  I think that serious anger and fighting have rarely showed up.  Perhaps our fighting is really more arguing?  Despite these times, I think that we just give each other grace in the end because we're human, and humans become grouchy sometimes.  Apologies and forgiveness are key though.

Q: What advice would you give to people considering marriage?
Karen: Oh so many things... First, love is a choice and an action, not an emotion.  Also, loving your husband should involve putting his needs first, and ideally he'll be doing the same thing.  Finding pleasure in the other person's happiness helps the relationship stay flexible, cooperative, and healthy.
Matthew: Talk about it. And talk about everything you can think of that would pertain to getting/being married. Let the other person know what your expectations are for marriage and listen to theirs. Remember that the other person is not the same as you and may act in ways you would consider irrational or strange, and learn to deal with that (and forgive, when necessary). Make a choice to love the other person, even when they are being irrational/strange/annoying/grumpy/infuriating/etc. Also, talk to people you trust about how they see the relationship, as outsiders can sometimes see things that you cannot.
Karen: Speak gently.  Try not to be mean, and apologize when that plan fails.  Remember why you love your husband even when he's doing something ridiculous (like playing an online game WAY too much of the time!).  Communicate about everything.  Expect your partner to change, and either make the change with him or allow him to be himself.  However, don't expect your husband to change his personality or fundamental self.  Listen, listen, listen!