Relationship Three

The Story:

Matthew and I met in physics lab our first term of college in 2005. That particular week, I wanted to get out of lab quickly so that I could make it to a birthday party. I had seen Matthew in my honors math class, so I figured that if I worked with him I was more likely to get out quickly. It worked!

Matthew and I became friends on Facebook, and he added me on AIM. I was still raw from the abrupt end to my relationship with Andrew, and I had my emotional walls raised. However, I had let my guard down with Matthew for a few reasons. First of all, the first time I saw him was in his Facebook picture before college even started, and he looked really grouchy in it. I was convinced he was a grumpy person who hated the world. (I was later told that he didn't like cameras.) Then, when I met him, he immediately came across as really weird. The first time I talked to him in the physics lab, he randomly would switch into horrible accents. He wore pleated khaki pants with his t-shirt tucked in and his cellphone in a holster on his belt. He also had a little fuzz mustache that didn't seem to grow in. While these things didn't make me not want to be friends with him, they certainly didn't make him immediately attractive to me.

However, we started hanging out both when doing homework and in social circumstances like large UNO parties in my dorm. I also made friends with his roommate who happened to also be his cousin, and the three of us spent a lot of time together that term. Matthew and I also spent a lot of time talking in person and on AIM. I learned that he was a good listener and a really caring person. I still needed someone to talk with me while my insides ached from my last relationship, and for some reason Matthew became the person I depended on most.

After Thanksgiving, we started to illusively hint that we each had a secret. We were enigmatically trying to hint that we liked each other, but neither of us wanted to say it first. Finally, we decided to reveal our secrets. I made Matthew go first. How fun it was to hear that he did like me, and it was nice to be able to tell him that the feelings were mutual!

When I went home at Christmas, Matthew gave me flowers because he knew that I had missed getting them in my last relationship. Over our month-long Christmas break, we discussed the idea of dating. We created a pros and cons list. We talked about what we wanted in a relationship and in the future. I told him I was scared of getting hurt again. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me. It would be his first relationship, and that was significant to me because he was practical enough that he wouldn't date someone he didn't seriously care about. We both prayed about our decision, and in the end we felt like we could go forward in our relationship.

In January, we began our journey as a couple. I admit, there were a few things I asked him to do. He very quickly learned that I liked his mustache shaved, his shirt untucked, his cell phone in his pocket, and jeans instead of pleated pants. He hadn't even noticed the pleats.

The next couple years were spent in a pleasant dating relationship where we gradually got to know each other. We took classes together and worked together, and we also spent time with friends or just hanging out. I cried on him time and time again when I was overwhelmed by the stress of classes. He'd let me recite definitions and theorems to him while I baked cookies during one of my most difficult terms.

I learned that he did not appreciate spontaneity like I did, and we struggled to figure out how to enjoy our time together so that both of us were fulfilled. He learned that sometimes I just can't let things go. I learned that he struggled to express emotions. He learned that I can get grouchy at times. Despite these things, we mostly learned to love each other, care for each other, and have fun spending time together.

After we had been dating for a few months, I would occasionally be filled with fear that he would leave me like Andrew did. I became convinced that I was worthless, and Matthew would figure that out and break up with me. Matthew would be holding me, and in my happiness the fear would creep in, and I would slip into sorrow and tears. He struggled to let me know that he loved me while not pretending to know the future of our relationship. It was scary to feel myself caring more about him.

During my sophomore year of college, we started talking about marriage. We had dated long enough that we realized that we were serious about each other. We spent that year talking about the details of that type of commitment, and by the summer, we were fairly convinced that we wanted to get married after our junior year. We wanted to do things right and include our families in the decision, so Matthew told his dad what he wanted to do. When he visited me and my parents that summer, he sneaked into my house before I was awake one morning, and he asked for my parents' blessing as well. It meant a lot to me that they were pleased with our relationship because I knew that we were fairly young.

He officially proposed to me in early September just a couple of weeks before we began our junior year of college. He made me dinner and had a lovely date planned. He asked me to marry him by the Willamette River where which was one of my favorite places in Corvallis. I said yes, I cried, and we both were very excited. He also kissed me on the lips for the first time that day.

The following year was a whirlwind of planning the wedding, continuing to do well in school, and living life in general. He was in an internship program that would have him working from April through September, and we waited nervously during February to hear where he was placed. We had hoped he would be in Corvallis or Albany, so we were a bit disappointed when he was placed in Beaverton since it was an hour and a half away. Being me, I cried.

During the months leading up to the wedding, I saw Matthew every other weekend, and I missed him a lot. We would talk on AIM and on the phone each night, and I would cry profusely each time he left at the end of a visit. However, it made the idea of our wedding day even more exciting.

The week of the wedding finally came, and it was a flurry of bridal showers, last minute details, and preparing the food for the wedding! I spent most of my 21st birthday with my Maid of Honor baking the wedding cake and making other baked goods to feed our guests. That evening, Matthew arrived in Waldport from Beaverton, and suddenly we were with each other and about to get married. What a good birthday present.

The day finally came, and the wedding was filled with love, family, and friends. It truly was the happiest day of my life. The anticipation for the day had been building for years, and to finally come together and commit our lives to each other and to God was an wonderfully emotional experience.

We moved in together first in Beaverton for a couple of weeks as Matthew finished his job, and then back in Corvallis in the place that I had been living before we got married. Our apartment in Corvallis was horrifyingly run-down, and I affectionately called it the "mouse nest." I did my student teaching the next two terms, and he immediately had his work cut out for him as a husband because I was constantly working, exhausted, and as stressed as I ever had been. I looked forward to coming home to him each day.

The next two and a half years were filled with us spending time with each other. Taking time to show love. Forgiving each other when we made mistakes. Working to understand and accept differences in personalities. Smiling at each other. Comforting each other with hugs and kind words. Supporting each other as we help each other grow and change and become better. Taking walks and talking about the future. Loving the other person.

And we still are.

Reflection:

This is honestly just a glimpse of our story. We have been together as a couple for over five years, and there are just too many memories and lessons learned to share here. I'm always happy to talk to people, though, if you have questions.

Looking back, I think that my relationship with Andrew helped prepare me to be able to love and accept Matthew for who he is. I mentioned that I asked Matthew to change a few things at the beginning of the relationship, but after that, I haven't asked him to change. Mind you, I do challenge him to be better, just as he does for me. However, I think that he has always known that regardless, I love him and support him.

Marriage has taught me a lot about love. Love is a choice. When you are married to someone, you realize how very human the person is. However, in that human is amazing things. You can choose to see and cultivate the good and constantly forgive the bad. You can think of your spouse's needs above your own so that you do not grow bitter but instead find happiness in his happiness. It takes work and care to tend such a close relationship, but it is absolutely worth it. Matthew regularly fills me with joy, and I cannot imagine my life without him.