I don't mean to make you jealous...

... but my kitchen contains perfection.  Each time I've walked into the kitchen this evening, the perfection has caught my eye, and I just stand there goggling ridiculously.  See that?  It's an heirloom tomato from the Farmers' Market making friends with some basil from my own basil plants.  In the not so far future, they shall be eaten together in a tomato, basil, mozzarella sandwich.  And it will be amazing.  To be clear, there are other players in this scene of perfection.  There is a large jar of wheat flour ready to be made into bread at a moment's notice.  Additionally, the bamboo cutting board and knife are just chilling after being utilized to chop up some basil for tonight's dinner.  Finally, there are some beautiful mugs dangling from a mug tree while waiting until the next time they are filled with a hot, delicious cup of tea.  See?  Perfection.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew...

And wuv, twue wuv, wiww fowwow you fowevah...  Like an adorable puppy, one would presume, because that's exactly how love works!  :)


On the eve of our third anniversary, I am here re-contemplating the vexing passage of the Bible where Paul suggests to the Ephesian wives that they should submit to/obey/support/be subject to (or whatever verb your translation uses) their husbands.  Here I stand as a woman in the 21st century still trying to decide what exactly this verse means to my marriage.  I am wary of Paul's writings about women because I think that they have been used widely to crush women.  I think the writings have been used to keep women from being as productive, contributive members of society as possible.  I don't mean to necessarily blame Paul; I'm sure that I can hardly understand the culture and society of his day.  I also can't easily fathom what it would be like in a society where women were not educated and were generally not valued as much as a man.  (I pause to acknowledge that some women still suffer from this condition, but I feel like we have at least progressed greatly as a whole.)  Perhaps he was just helping his followers find order in the society they lived in.  Or perhaps we still don't quite understand Paul's intent.


I think that from my conservative Christian background, I had the impression that submission to my husband would mean giving in and letting him have his way whenever we disagree.  Fortunately, I did not come from a tradition where submitting meant obeying as a child would (even being subjected to physical punishment), although I have read writings written by people from that tradition.  I remember that when Matthew and I were engaged, my dad was concerned about using the traditional phrase, "to honor and obey."  Since these vows were the promises we were making to each other for life, it was a fair concern.  If I made that promise, I would be promising to follow Matthew and go along with what he chose for us without a fight... even if I knew it to be wrong. ("Why yes, honey!  Let's have our children get married at the age of six years old so that we can make sure we get to choose their spouse!  I'm your wife, and it's your idea, so it must be a good idea because I don't want to get spanked!" We didn't ever use that phrase in our vows, for the record.) 


My dad was even concerned with the word "submit" (which we also didn't end up using), and this I remember discussing with him at length.  At that point in life, I believed that the Bible was the Word of God that was to be taken literally at face value.  My translation told me that I was supposed to submit, so I was supposed to submit, of course!  Looking back now, I can recognize that in my conversations with my dad I didn't really know what it meant practically to submit to a husband in the first place!


I have shocked and appalled some people by now.  I say that because old-Karen would have been shocked and appalled!  I want to say that I absolutely care about how Matthew and I relate in marriage.  I want the peace and joy between us that comes from loving each other sincerely and a deep faith in God.


I just don't want to do it blindly, and I want it to be as true and healthy a relationship as possible.


Here is what I've been thinking about how we relate to each other recently.  We both consider each other's opinions and needs when making decisions.  Instead of doing whatever is best for ourselves, we work together as a team to live a fulfilling life that makes both of us happy.  For example, if I was single I would not be considering moving to Beaverton right now!  I think that I'd stay in Corvallis and work at LBCC or OSU.  However, we work as a team, and I will happily follow him where he goes because it benefits both of us in the long run.  Additionally, neither of us always wins.  Matthew, being the bigger introvert, prefers staying at home almost all the time.  I, being the lesser introvert, merely want to stay at home much of the time!  Sometimes we go out when he wants to stay in, and sometimes we stay in when I want to go out.  We both make sacrifices since we cannot change these inherent parts of our personalities.  We don't always agree on everything, but we listen to each other and try to understand each other and respect the other person's conclusion.  We both try to maintain peace by putting the other person's needs before our own.  Matthew washes the dishes sometimes even when it's my turn because sometimes I'm just tired or grumpy.  Now that's love.


Once again, disclaimer: I'm not saying that our marriage is perfect.  However, it in general feels very balanced, sustainable, and peaceful.  We do have our own set of personalities, so our marriage probably looks very different than other marriages that are 'equally successful'!

Perhaps the point is that regardless the time and age, husbands and wives need to do what they need to do to cooperate and get along in a manner that promotes love, peace and a happy household.  However, I don't know if I've ever heard a sermon or even many discussions about the idea about how husbands and wives relate that really get into the actual nitty gritty, day-to-day understandings of how husbands and wives relate to other in this day and age.  I feel like there is often a fear of dishonoring God or being blasphemous if we don't stick to the well-worn words about how women are supposed to be submissive (and subservient...) to their husbands.  I tend think that God can handle a sincere and thoughtful questioner, and I believe that He'd just love for us to search for a meaningful understanding of the bigger truth about marriage that can't even begin to be contained in a book.  So I think that we're free to discuss, be thoughtful, ask God, and look for some applicable truth in the matter!

On the vows note, here are our vows from three years ago:

"Today, Karen/Matthew, I take you to be my wife/husband.
I make a commitment to you today:
With God's help I will love and serve,
Honor, and protect you.
I'm choosing today
to spend the rest of my life with you.
I will walk with you when life is good,
and thru every storm.
Karen/Matthew, you are a gift to me from God.
I hope others see His heart and love,
in the way I care for you.
Today, I pledge my love to you."


And I still mean every word!  I love you, Matthew!

Sometimes I just fail

That's what I decided today.  But for some reason I feel like I'm supposed to be good at everything that I do and to never give up at anything.

I did some tutoring online yesterday, and it just was awful.  It was partly because the online classroom stopped working properly during one session, a student disappeared in the middle of another, and I was helping a calculus student who still didn't know how subtract fractions with different denominators in another (admittedly, the denominators had variables in them, but still!).  All in all, the communication through typing was slow and painful, and drawing on the whiteboard with my mouse was sloppy and tedious.  I felt like nobody had any clue what I was saying, and I was struggling to be more clear as I was unable to point at something and talk simultaneously.  At the end of two and a half hours, I just felt horrible and like I had helped absolutely nobody.

I went to sleep last night still stressed out, and I woke up with this feeling of dread because I had another hour of tutoring scheduled for today.  I finally just burst into tears as I was bringing in the laundry from the line.

That fact is, I felt like a failure.  And at something I am 'supposed' to be good at!

After crying at Matthew for awhile and letting him know how horrible and pathetic of a person I am, I decided once and for all to quit tutoring online.  It has just made me become extremely stressed out and feel like an inadequate human being.  And why should I do this if it makes me a completely miserable human being?

Yet, I feel like I have failed (or just hated) just about every job I've had.  My boss horrified me when I was a lifeguard, plus it was fairly boring staring at a pool for eight hours at a time.  As a busser, I felt like I could never go fast enough, and one of the managers made me want to die when she hissed, "We serve ice water here," at me after I failed to get an ice cube from the pitcher into the glass at one table.  I was kind of bad at getting enough ice to go into the glasses without splashing water everywhere, so I tended to be cautious and I sometimes didn't get ice into the glass.  I enjoyed landscaping at OSU except for the fact that half of the days I felt like I was going to die from heatstroke.  That was my first summer away from the always-60-degrees Oregon coast.  My next summer I learned that I didn't enjoy wrestling with MATLAB daily.  That following year, I did my student teaching and woke up daily feeling like I was going to throw up.  That summer, I started tutoring some rising 5th graders which was way outside of my comfort zone as a human being who had been trained to work with high school students as who grew up managing to mostly avoid dealing with children (not intentionally... I just never had much of an opportunity.)

However, I quickly figured out how to tutor those kids adequately, and I have been with them for three summers now, and I'm really loving it this summer.  I also started as a teaching assistant at OSU in the fall, and while I was nervous for the few classes, I quickly learned to be confident and happy, and most of my students really liked me.

So I'm not a complete failure!  I just feel really bad about how badly I've done at so many things...  I feel dread when I consider doing most jobs.  I hate the idea of working a full-time job.  I feel like either private tutoring or teaching part-time at a community college might be the only places I could work without living with constant panic and adrenaline surges.

This makes me feel kind of bad at this point in life though.  I feel kind of like there's a lot of pressure to work a bunch.  But I don't really want to, and Matthew wants to, so what's wrong with that?

It's not that I'm lazy either.  I promise I'm not.  I like staying busy, and I enjoy cooking, cleaning (although I'm not a huge fan of doing dishes for some reason, I'm not going to lie), and doing other jobs.  I also have never minded volunteering.  For some reason, doing the same job while volunteering makes me feel less stressed out.  I feel like fewer eyes are on me and I'm being judged less.  My last term in college, I volunteered in one classroom where I had done student teaching, and I was happy as a clam doing that.

I just feel weird when I realize that my aspirations for life are to cook, clean, grow a garden, make things, raise kids, and volunteer.  Not that I think that those are bad aspirations.  I just feel like people don't really respect them.  I think that's why I tell people that my goal is to teach community college or tutor when they ask.  I think I do want to do these things, but they're not really my greatest aspirations.  When you've gotten a Master's degree in mathematics, it just is hard to expect good reactions from people when you say you want to be a "housewife" or "stay-at-home mom".

This makes me think about my brother.  I think he's right when he talks about how our education shouldn't be thought of as just a means to an end where the end is a career.  My education has changed how I think, how I understand and view people, and really my life in general.  I have no regrets about the six-years of hard work, tears, confusion, and challenges that I faced at OSU.  Even if I barely use the particular bits of information that I have gleaned, the changes in my brain will stay with me.

So there you have it.  I kind of suck at jobs.  However, I bake a mean loaf of bread, I keep a home clean, warm and cozy feeling, I love to make things grow, and I like picking my food and "putting it up".  I look forward to pouring my life into my kids when I have some someday (hopefully not too many years from now), and as I pour, I will be sharing my six-years of college experience through how and what I teach my children.

I apologize if my recent posts have seemed different and less appealing to some of you!  I feel like a lot of my blog has been created as we move forward in life, and as we spend this time waiting for our next assignment in life, it has been more challenging to move forward because some things may have to change based on where we live next.  However, I think this time has been good for me as I learn about myself, figure out what's important to me, and learn to wait patiently (or at least try/pretend).  I'm sure we'll be moving forward in the next few years as we learn what it really looks like to not be in college, hold a job, have kids (hopefully), etc.  And hopefully that forward motion will start soon. :)

Knitted quilt... Part II

 Remember this guy?  I knitted him, and sewed him together... and he lasted about a week.  I just wasn't happy with how the colors blended when they were in blocks like that!  So, I untied all of the knots, unraveled all of the squares...

... and made this guy!  Granny squares to the rescue! It took some extra effort, but I'm glad I did it.  I am much happier with the results.  

The colors still look a little funny in the picture... the red really isn't that weird looking, I promise. :)

Here's where I got the tutorial for the granny squares in case you're interested!  I used a pretty big crochet hook because I wanted big squares, and I wasn't worried about having a bunch of big spaces in the blanket.

Cooking without plastic

I recently decided to ditch our nonstick pans.  Teflon, which is the coating that makes the pan nonstick, is a plastic.  While it is generally considered safe to use these pans at a medium heat, I decided to just go ahead and get rid of them before they figure out how unsafe they are.  It just seems like plastic and food don't go together, and especially as I consider having kids in the next few years, I figure I might as well do my best to play it safe. Fortunately, many people do want nonstick pans, so ours sold quickly on Craigslist.  I found some used Revere pots on ebay, I already had a big stainless steel skillet, and I borrowed (stole?) a couple of cast iron skillets from my mom since she said she didn't really use them anyway.

If you have nonstick pans, you can't use metal utensils on them!  As such, we also had a set of plastic cooking utensils that we put up on Craigslist yesterday.  We found the replacements for the essentials at Goodwill for a couple dollars each, and we already had some of what we needed in bamboo that we didn't have to replace.

Our old set came with a plastic bucket thing to hold the utensils.  When I knew I was going to make the switch, I got a coffee can from my mom so that it could hold our utensils.  Of course, an added benefit of this was that I could decorate it however I chose!  Today I got around to painting some adorable little birds onto my can.  I'm very pleased by how it turned out!  What a cheerful container of utensils!

So there you have it, we've made the switch!

You can't have too many sundresses...

Especially ones made out of used sheets.  This particular dress was made out of a sheet I found as we cleaned out a closet at my mom's house.  Can you guess what era the sheet is from?!?!  I can't quite read the tag since it's fraying, but the copyright is definitely 1970-something.  Apparently it was my grandma's, and she ripped a corner off for some reason.  I looked at it and thought: Sundress.  Here it is!

I found that sewing this dress went a lot better than my last sundress.  It is also better sewn with a more finished interior.  Each time I sew one of these, I do something a little silly, and I make it better the next time.  I'm really close to having it just right, though.  Fortunately, a well-placed sash hides the problem area: Where the skirt join the top.

The v-neck was a last minute addition.  I had a flat cut across, but I realize that it really needed to be a 'v'.

I'm loving the criss-cross straps, too!  I wanted something a little different this time.

The theology of unemployment

Matthew has been job hunting since the end or April or the beginning of May.  In case you haven't heard, our economy is kind of sad right now, so my dear husband (who did three internships for a total of 1.25 years of experience and had an undergrad GPA of 3.89 and a graduate GPA of 3.98!) still hasn't gotten any job offers.  In fact, he hasn't even found very many jobs to apply to.

Admittedly, we're currently being picky.  That is, we are only looking in western Oregon.  Portland, Salem, Corvallis, Eugene... You know.  All those little cities in Oregon.

Matthew has had two interviews so far, and one company preferred someone who had more experience (and more enthusiasm about working at least 50 hours a week!)  The other company was a small company whose board decided that they could only afford to hire an electrical engineer (EE) when push came to shove.

Matthew now has an application in at a company where he was an intern a few years ago.  He emailed his boss (the one that liked him enough to tell him to take home a large computer monitor on his last day of work...), and his boss put in good words at HR and the department hiring.  So we wait... hoping they call to schedule an interview...

There has been a lot of waiting these last months.  It's a challenging balance to make plans for the future and to continue living life while knowing that at any time Matthew might get a job, and we might move to a different city within just a few weeks.  I'm not very good at having my future be so nebulous.  It honestly kind of stresses me out.

Actually, a lot about this ridiculous period of life stresses me out a bit.  It also makes me realize that I certainly am not sure how God works because I don't know how to properly make decisions.

Here's an example.  I'm tutoring a few hours a week, and we have managed to save a fair amount of money throughout college and grad school.  Given this fact, I think that (barring unseen disaster) we should be able to go at least another ten months before really needing to start being concerned about the last of our money disappearing.  Since we have this extra time, we have struggled with figuring out how picky Matthew should be in applying and (if given the chance) accepting a position.  The type of position that Matthew would feel incredibly good about working in is a renewable energy or an energy-efficient building type position.  We also ideally would love to stay in Corvallis where we have friends and our families are not terribly far away.  The company that hired an EE instead of a mechanical engineer (ME) was in Corvallis, and the company designs things that use wasted heat to power things instead of using batteries.  This was a job Matthew really wanted (and still wants).  To top it off, in the email the company sent explaining that they hired an EE, they said that they hoped to contact Matthew about the ME position in the "very near future."  Of course, that was over a month ago, and who knows what the "very near future" is.

I believe that God wants to give us good things in our life, and I think that He wants us to believe that He'll provide amazing things.  However, I also believe that we don't necessarily understand what the good things are that God has for us.  Since this job in Corvallis seems perfect for Matthew, and it seems like he still might get it, do we wait for it even if he gets offered another job?  That doesn't seem to make sense given the economy, and would God really :play games" with us like that?  Would we be showing a lack of faith by accepting a job that's not ideal in our eyes?  Or would we be faithfully taking the door that God opened for us even though it did not seem like what was best to us?

Here's another example.  You may have noticed that I haven't mentioned applying to positions.  This is because I've strongly felt like I should let Matthew find a position first because I am pretty sure that I can get part-time work at a community college (or tutoring) wherever he finds work.  We both feel very strongly against having both of us working full-time, and this seems to make sense.  However, recently a couple people brought to my attention a full-time teaching position at a private school in Corvallis.  These people both worked at the school, and although they don't know me terribly well, I think that they would have been able to say that I'd be a good candidate.  In other words, I think that this would be a job that I could have had a reasonable shot at getting.  However, the very idea of doing my first year of high school teaching this coming year made me nauseous.  After a very stressful student teaching experience and a very happy teaching assistant experience, I'm not even sure I ever want to teach high school.  Plus, what would we do if Matthew found a job elsewhere during the school year?  In short, I didn't even apply to the job.

This job would have kept us in Corvallis though and eased the burden of finances.  Did I close a door God opened?  Or did I successfully say no to a tempting way out of financial uncertainty?  Should I be applying to teaching positions (in particular, at the local community college) and not waiting for Matthew to find a job?  Am I letting what I believe to be the best for our future get in the way with the actuality of our future?

So I wrestle with the ideas of having too little faith. (I should wait for God to give us this great gift that He wants to give us!)  Or perhaps having unreasonable faith in God doing something that He doesn't do.  (I shouldn't wait!  Whatever door we end up being able to walk through will be a great gift!)  I also don't know if there is one correct path we are supposed to take or if any reasonable job situation is equally good.  Hence, you can see that I am not very good at making decisions because it sometimes feels like whatever decision I make is either really right or really wrong, and I just am not quite sure which it is.

Aren't these just such basic questions about how God works in our lives?  So, pardon me while I walk through it all confused, a bit stressed out, and incapacitated!

In case you are curious, we are thinking that most any job is a good job, and we'll be grateful for anything that Matthew is offered.  I also still don't think that I am going to do any more than tutor until Matthew finds a position so that I can remain flexible.  So, we "lowered standards" when it comes to jobs Matthew will take, but we remained firm on me staying flexible so that we can easily move when Matthew gets a job.  I'm not positive we're doing the right thing, but we're trying, and this is what we came up with!

How to make vegetable broth...

... because it's really ridiculously simple.

1) Save vegetable scraps.  Freeze them if you need to!  (I did...)  I used bits of potato, carrot tops, onion skins, zucchini tops, bits of brocolli stalks, garlic tops and skins, and probably some other things that I'm not remembering.  I also tossed in some fresh oregano that I have growing, and I added some pepper and a couple of bay leaves.  You can look up other vegetables to see if they go in broth if you are uncertain.  The only thing that I know you don't want to add is leafy greens like lettuce, spinach, and kale.

2) When your bag is full, get ready for broth time!  Defrost your veggies and throw them in a stock pot then add some cold water.  (Apparently, it's somehow better if you start with cold water.  Vegetable magic, I'm sure.)  Theoretically you are supposed to have about one parts water to one part vegetable matter.  I'm pretty sure you'll be OK as long as you have a decent amount of vegetable matter.

Nom nom nom... Looks delish!

3) Now turn up the heat, and get this pot of goodness simmering!  You don't really want it to boil, but you do want it to simmer.  Once it's simmering, put it on a heat that will keep it simmering, and let it go for at least an hour!  I stirred mine every once in awhile, but that might not be totally necessary... I might have just wanted to admire my broth.

4) After around an hour, your kitchen probably smells great, and your broth is also probably done.  It's time to strain out the squishy plant matter and save the broth.  Remember, this isn't pasta... you want to save the liquid and get rid of the solid stuff!  (I only say this because this part of the process felt incredibly backward to the pasta-eater in me.)  Set your strainer in a bowl or another pot, and pour your liquid in.

It looks delicious and nutritious!

5) Let your broth cool off, and then store it in containers to freeze or use.  I used some cottage cheese containers that I've collected over the year.

My almost full gallon bag of veggies gave me about 12 cups of broth, I think.  I already used two cups when making rice yesterday, and it added a nice flavor (and probably some nutrients!).

So there you have it!  A very inexpensive, resourceful way to have some broth around.  Enjoy!

Matthew and Karen on dating, engagement, and marriage

Recently I stumbled onto a website that was created because the creator thought that the internet was abundant in advice for finding the right guy to date but not for figuring out who to marry.  The website seemed to focus on becoming a good woman that would be able to have a good marriage.  I think that this is an admirable goal, and I think that men and women should both think about what kind of person he/she wants to commit to and what kind of person he/she can be to nurture a healthy marriage. As our third anniversary comes up, I figure that maybe we have something to say on the subject.  I don't claim to have the answers to everything, but I can talk about what we have learned.  In fact, I can also rope my husband into talking about what he has learned too!  While we're not perfect, I'd have to say that we are stable, happy, and loving, and that's a good place to be.  Matthew and I answered some questions that I would have been interested in reading about especially before marriage, and I recorded our answers in the rest of this blog.  We were typing our answers simultaneously which is the cause of the overlap in our answers.  If you have other questions that you want to have answered, please leave a comment, and I'll make sure that we both answer your questions! :)


Q: In the beginning, how did you decide to date each other?
Karen: Honestly, I almost didn't.  I was just finishing getting over a break-up, and Matthew's first impression on me was actually a bit overwhelming!  Not that I should judge people based on fashion, but a man speaking in weird accents while wearing a t-shirt tucked into pleated khakis with a belt holding a cell phone was not the type of person that I ever imagined dating.  Fortunately, I am not as picky when it comes to friends!  Once I got to know him (and perhaps helped him shop for a pair of jeans...), I eventually realized that he was actually a pretty interesting, and very nice, guy.  It still took me awhile to feel comfortable with the idea of dating because I wasn't in a hurry to get my heart broken again, but in the end I decided to take the risk because he seemed to be worth it.
Matthew: We started out being friends, which let us get to know each other before dating. When we realized that we both liked each other and wanted to consider moving the relationship to the level of dating, we both took time to think and pray about whether we should do so or not. We both wanted to get into a romantic relationship only if we thought it had the potential to move beyond dating. After thinking and praying for a few weeks, we felt that this relationship did have that potential, so we decided to start dating.

Q: When did you start to be "serious"?
Matthew: We started talking about "serious" relationship issues right from the beginning of our dating relationship, and we went into dating with the understanding that the relationship had the potential to lead to marriage, so I would say we were "serious" from the very beginning of our dating.
Karen: Almost immediately.  I didn't want to date if I wasn't serious because broken attachments are lame.  I didn't want to get married right away, but I wanted to date only someone I could marry.

Q: What did you discuss before you got engaged?
Karen: Pretty much anything we considered important to us and some things that weren't.  Faith, practice of faith, family, friends, how to split work/household/child rearing duties, money, use of time.  We also probably made fun of physics (because it's so laughable).
Matthew: We talked about everything we could think of that would potentially affect our relationship before getting engaged. We talked about our faith, kids (how many, etc.), various life goals (careers, etc.), money, splitting up chores/work/etc.

Q: Did you agree on everything?
Karen: Pretty much on these really important matters.
Matthew: Yes, or at least I don't remember anything that we disagreed on that was important.

Q: Was there anything you didn't agree about?  Or anything that bothered you about each other?
Karen: One thing that bothered me about Matthew sometimes was the fact that he wouldn't want to try anything new.  I'd want to go running in the snow, go dancing, or do something social, and he'd rather stay home.
Matthew: Of course we had things that bothered each other or points where we disagreed. For example, Karen really didn't like my clothing and facial hair choices, and I found her mild OCD annoying at times.

Q: Did anybody change as a result of these disagreements?
Karen: Matthew made a few clothing (and facial hair...) changes at my request near the beginning of our relationship.  I'd have to say that we certainly didn't change our personalities though!

Q: How did you decide to get engaged?
Karen: It really was just the next step in the relationship.  We were getting to the point where we felt old enough and responsible enough to start a life together.  We talked about it thoroughly beforehand, but after sharing a couple of years together, I felt confident that we could continue to share years until death do us part.  Matthew was an important part of my life, I loved him, and I could see us spurring each other to be better people for the rest of our lives.
Matthew: We actually might as well have been engaged before we actually got engaged. As our relationship matured, we talked about marriage and got to know and love each other more. Eventually we got to a point where we had decided that we wanted to get married, but just not when. Our decision as to when to get engaged was based on when we thought it would be a good idea to get married as far as life events went, balanced out by our impatience to BE married already ;).

Q: Did you ever live together during this time?  Why or why not?
Matthew: No.
Karen: No, we didn't.  We both had strong beliefs about saving sex for marriage which certainly is easier if you're not living together.
Matthew: What she said.

Q: Do you think that living together would have made your marriage any easier/better?  Was it a shock to move in together when you got married?
Karen: Honestly, it was a fairly natural transition from engagement to marriage.  We spent most of our days together anyway, so the difference was that Matthew didn't leave when I went to bed.  We had already seen most of each other's quirks, and we had committed to love each other regardless of quirks.
Matthew: Though obviously I can't say this for certain, since we didn't live together, I think that it was actually better that we did not. It made getting married that much more of a significant step in our lives, and the merging of our things and such that we had to do when we moved in together in some ways symbolized our new lives beginning.
Karen: Of course, it's the couple's choice, but as far as we're concerned, not living together probably made things better and not worse.

Q: Was marriage what you expected it to be at the beginning?
Karen: In a lot of ways, yes.  It was a really sweet time of celebration, and we were ecstatic to be a married couple.  One thing that was weird for me was that I went through a brief period of depression on our honeymoon for some reason.  Post-wedding letdown and exhaustion, perhaps?  For the most part, it was just a happy time to adjust to having each other, and we quickly began a continuing tradition of snuggles at bedtime and snuggles first thing in the morning.  It's still a marriage favorite.

Q: How has marriage changed in the last three years?
Karen: It has changed from an exciting new relationship to a welcome, well-worn relationship.  We have also started to figure out how to better communicate and have a routine that makes us both generally happy.  Where excitement has faded, stability and general well-being has come to stay.
Matthew: Well, the newness has worn off, but that's not really a bad thing, just moving into another stage of life. We have learned to talk out any problems or issues we have better. Our relationship has gotten more stable, roots digging deeper over time.

Q: Are things as lovey-dovey as they used to be?  And what about grumpiness and anger?  What about fighting?  Is there more of that?
Matthew: Things are not as lovey-dovey as they used to be. We do tend to get grumpy/angry a little more often, since we've gotten to the stage where our guards are completely down and we're not trying to impress the other person as much, but getting things out in the open allows us to deal with them better. There is some fighting, but not very much, and again it is good to get things out into the open.
Karen: No, we're not as lovey-dovey.  We still are very affectionate and we tell each other we love each other, but we just aren't riding the emotional high anymore.  Yes, grumpiness happens in the Smith household.  I tend to get grumpy when I'm stressed out, and I can be fairly obnoxious.  I think that serious anger and fighting have rarely showed up.  Perhaps our fighting is really more arguing?  Despite these times, I think that we just give each other grace in the end because we're human, and humans become grouchy sometimes.  Apologies and forgiveness are key though.

Q: What advice would you give to people considering marriage?
Karen: Oh so many things... First, love is a choice and an action, not an emotion.  Also, loving your husband should involve putting his needs first, and ideally he'll be doing the same thing.  Finding pleasure in the other person's happiness helps the relationship stay flexible, cooperative, and healthy.
Matthew: Talk about it. And talk about everything you can think of that would pertain to getting/being married. Let the other person know what your expectations are for marriage and listen to theirs. Remember that the other person is not the same as you and may act in ways you would consider irrational or strange, and learn to deal with that (and forgive, when necessary). Make a choice to love the other person, even when they are being irrational/strange/annoying/grumpy/infuriating/etc. Also, talk to people you trust about how they see the relationship, as outsiders can sometimes see things that you cannot.
Karen: Speak gently.  Try not to be mean, and apologize when that plan fails.  Remember why you love your husband even when he's doing something ridiculous (like playing an online game WAY too much of the time!).  Communicate about everything.  Expect your partner to change, and either make the change with him or allow him to be himself.  However, don't expect your husband to change his personality or fundamental self.  Listen, listen, listen!

It's hard to argue with the "evil" card...

I'm currently reading Why do People Hate America? by Ziauddin Sardar and Merryl Wyn Davies.  The book was born out of the discussion about the question  'Why do people hate America?' which was asked often after the 9-11 attacks in 2001.  I'm about a quarter of the way into the book, and it has been thought-provoking so far.  A favorite quotation of mine is: "The trouble is, thought without information does not advance understanding.  It is the quality and accuracy of information, coupled with original thought, that produces understanding, unlocks meaning and provides potential answers to difficult problems."  I enjoyed this quote because I think that it gives light to a great deal of what is wrong in our political system right now, and it also describes the sheep-like mentality that many people follow when they make up their minds about things.  To pick on my own religion, I think that many people use the cop-out 'I believe it because it says so in the Bible,' and they will have a verse or two to back their beliefs up.  However, people might not take the time to consider context, perception, author's intention and style, definitions of words, translation of words, how the verse fits in with the rest of the book, etc., and without this type of open consideration of the meaning of scriptures, it is easy to reach an easy but perhaps irrational (and harmful) conclusion.  As interesting as this is to me, this is not what I want to discuss today, but I just wanted to mention it since it stood out strongly in my mind.  Let's continue to our main attraction.

Here is a passage from the book:

"The question 'Why do people hate America?' itself turns on the nature of evil.  Pure evil has no solution.  It can only be eradicated, and attempts to eradicate evil generate as many problems as they solve, if not more.  All religions teach that the history of human existence is the struggle with evil.  Describing people in terms of pure evil is seductive because it requires no self-reflection, no assessment of any context and contributory circumstances.  The transition to evil as an explanation resolves all of the ambiguities that attach to hatred, and much more.  As British journalist Barbara Gunnell noted in the New Statesman, it becomes an invitation to 'identify an enemy'.  Both the American administration and the Taliban leadership describe each other in the terminology of evil.  While President Bush declared that 'our war is war against terrorism and evil', Mullah Mohammad Omar, the leader of the Taliban regime, reacted by saying that he would never accept the government that the US, with UN support, put together in Afghanistan because it was made up of 'evil doers'.  Mullah Omar also declared that 'America has created the evil that is attacking it'.  Such summary judgements are not very enlightening.  'The "axis of evil" tells us nothing about, for example, the actions of the citizens of Iraq or Iran or North Korea(far less their relations with each other', writes Gunnell. 'It is merely an invitation to identify our enemies.  By talking of them as "evil", we do not need to ask why they act as they do, feel outraged or oppressed, opt for suicidal terror rather than protest or political engagement.  The questions to which we all need answers since 11 September fall off the agenda in the face of the description "evil".  Evil simply demands opposition rather than analysis or understanding.'"

 There is a lot in there!  I posted all of it because I think the whole paragraph is worth thinking about.  However, I just want to focus on the last sentence, 'Evil simply demands opposition rather than analysis or understanding.'  In regards to war, it seems dangerous to justify a war by saying that we are fighting "evil."  The people on both sides of the war might be justifying their actions in the same way which should in and of itself make us wary.  History often shows that those who consider themselves righteous often turn out to be viewed as fairly evil themselves in retrospect.  (Think about the Salem Witch Trials, slave owners, etc.)  As such, I think that the reasons given for war must be more extensive and should include an impartial analysis of why there is tension in the first place.  We also certainly should spend time considering other methods to relieve the tension realizing that our own policies might be part of the cause.  While there is no excuse for something like the 9-11 attacks, we certainly should rationally consider our best options to prevent further attacks and to react in a way that moves us in a positive direction.  For example, perhaps hunting down bin Ladin made sense but invading Iraq did not.  Perhaps invading Iraq continued to harm our relationships with the middle east.  Perhaps part of what led up to the 9-11 attacks was our history of intrusion in the middle east.  I am no expert, but these things should have been a large part of our public conversation, but I don't think that they were.  It was far easier to just fight "terrorism" and "evil".  As a related note, I'd like to encourage people to consider our oil dependency and how that affects our relationship with the middle east.  How should that change our individual actions?  Political actions?  Political policies?

Beyond the connection between "evil" and war, the connection between "evil" and religion came to mind.  In particular, since this is the area I feel I know most about, I think that Christians often forget that people are not inherently evil.  In particular, people that disagree with us are not inherently evil.  I mean, we are certainly all imperfect and prone to screw up, but I think that if we believe that we are made in the image of God and that God loves every human being that should mean something to us.  One time where I see failure in this area is when I hear people talking about certain groups of people.  For some reason, when talking about homosexuals, there is this sense of disgust and it is made clear that this is "evil."  While if you believe that homosexuality is wrong, that is of course your prerogative; however, if you let yourself get carried away it can make it challenging to view a homosexual person as a 'person' rather than as a 'homosexual'.   Again, the focus on evil demands opposition instead of analysis and understanding.

Another connection that came to me was the connection between "evil" and politics.  Since our political system is so polarized, and since there is a fair amount of ridiculousness and unfairness that occurs in our system, I think it makes it easy to label those of opposing views as evil.  I struggle with this one too because I feel like a lot of horrible things are happening that can be prevented, and I tend to want someone to blame.  Additionally, if I allow myself to call the people evil, I can continue to justify a little hatred.  After all, we should hate evil!  However, while this may be emotionally satisfying in the short term (because I've figured out who to hate for our problems!), it certainly doesn't help anything.  It also doesn't focus on the real problems that we need to understand to fix our system.

As I wrote these three paragraphs, I realized that not only is it just plain wrong  (at least in my eyes...) to throw the label "evil" wherever it is convenient, it is also very counterproductive because it turns attention from dealing with things to allowing negative emotion to fester and grow.  In the case of war, it allows us to continue to destroy without considering causes and ways we can change to peacefully prevent fighting.  In the case of the Christian religion, it allows us to puff ourselves up and feel like we are fighting God's fight without ever actually bothering to do all we are asked to do... love.  (It is a lot easier to hate evil than to love some people!!)  In the case of politics, it allows us to blame others and feel justified in what we are doing without ever working to create a better political system through our own actions and interactions with people.  Perhaps the next time I feel the emotions of frustration, anger, and hate as something that is probably "evil" in my mind is occurring, I will remember to step back and approach the situation more complexly.  Perhaps.

Sunny Side Upcycle - July

 It has been a slow month of crafting here.  I recently completed a project that will be a wedding gift which I will share after the wedding!  I also have been recreating a blanket for our living room that I will hopefully finish this summer.  I completed the two projects that you see here.  One is a bright and chunky baby hat, and the other is an adorable pair of what-nots in love.  I have a pink lace knit scarf in the works, and it has been a fun challenge.  I have never done knitting quite this complicated, and it's fun to see something so pretty unfold from the needles.  Hopefully that will be done by September as well!

I hope that you enjoy looking at my happy crafties!  Feel free to visit my Etsy shop to see more!

The world of dreams...

Recently I have been remembering a lot of my dreams, and most of them have been very emotion-filled.  As I wake up with the intensity of the dream still with me, it can follow me through much of my day.  Since this has been happening, I have been thinking about how I dream and how I have dreamed in the past.  I've been interested in dreams since middle school, and I figured I'd share some of my history of dreams.

One of the first dreams that I remember specifically was from when I was around eight years old, I think.  It was a recurring bad dream that I had where I was a dog, and I needed to escape along with another animal companion that I had.  I was in a dark area that was fenced in.  There were plants everywhere, and it felt like an impossible maze.  The presence of someone/something evil was clear in my mind, although I don't know what/who it was.  I just wanted out of there!

In middle school and high school, my bad dreams turned into those where my vision was dark and/or blurry, and I couldn't get to where I needed to go because I couldn't see!  I also started having dreams about having loose teeth or losing teeth.

As I progressed through college and grad school, my bad dream of choice involved (and still involves) a tsunami.  The way the tsunami occurs changes each time, but I'm always there, and I always see the formidable force of destruction coming onto the land.  I also occasionally have dreams about people I care about, Matthew in particular, dying.  Those are the ones where I wake up panicked, and I have to reach over to see if Matthew is still there and alive.

I have also had a recurring dream the last few years that involve the young men I have cared about in the past.  I had a couple of guys leave me heartbroken during high school, and in my dreams, one of these guys will realize that he actually still loves me and he regrets leaving me.  I always realize that I'm married to Matthew in these dreams, so I always feel a mixture of elation (because I suddenly feel valuable), romantic joy (like at the beginning of each dating relationship I've had), and guilt (because I'm genuinely emotionally torn between past love and my marriage with Matthew.)  The dreams vary, but what I think it interesting is that the guy always wants to kiss, but I never let him because I don't want to hurt Matthew or our marriage.  These dreams about my past relationships always leave me addled as I wake up.  The emotion doesn't fade when I regain consciousness, and I feel like I'm in high school again and on an emotional roller coaster.  The "future that would have been" is strangely imprinted in my mind, and it's challenging to sort out reality and fantasy.

I think I tend to dream more intensely when I am under stress.  It is no surprise that during college I had many a bad dream.  Recently, although I usually have no particular stressful events occurring, I find that just the complete uncertainty of my future is messing with my mind.  I don't know if it's my personality or what, but I really struggle with being unable to see more than a blank slate a week or two into my future.  While I understand that I can never see what my future will hold, I think that it is fairly human to construct a reasonable prediction of the future based on the current status.  It is unnerving to not be able to do this.

I find it interesting that two of the most stressful events of my life (having a couple of my relationships severed) come to me in my dreams where my mind fixes them by having people decide that they love me.  In real life, I've never felt settled by the ends of these two relationships.  I've never quite understood what exactly ended them, and since I was not the one who ended them, I was left feeling very weak, ugly, and worthless as a woman.  It took awhile to get over these insecurities, and I suppose that I'm probably still not through with them.  I guess it's no surprise that my mind tries to mend me as I sleep.

At any rate, I'm fairly fascinated by what my mind does when I have no control over my thoughts.  Do you have any interesting dream stories?

*Added 8/1/2011*  My brain apparently wanted to remind me of another common dream that I have when I'm stressed, because I had it last night!  A common stressful dream that I have is one where I have a bunch of stuff strewn around and mixed in with other peoples' things, and I am trying to collect my things.  It ends up being an unending process where I have lost specific things, or my pile repeatedly get strewn out again, or I just have a seemingly endless amount of stuff to collect.  Last night, in addition to the usual chaos of collecting things, my dream also involved me collecting balls of yarn that had rolled around, so I had to find untangle the yarn strands from the mess around them.  Yeah, yeah, brain.  I hear you!  I've been knitting and crocheting too much!