I don't mean to make you jealous...

... but my kitchen contains perfection.  Each time I've walked into the kitchen this evening, the perfection has caught my eye, and I just stand there goggling ridiculously.  See that?  It's an heirloom tomato from the Farmers' Market making friends with some basil from my own basil plants.  In the not so far future, they shall be eaten together in a tomato, basil, mozzarella sandwich.  And it will be amazing.  To be clear, there are other players in this scene of perfection.  There is a large jar of wheat flour ready to be made into bread at a moment's notice.  Additionally, the bamboo cutting board and knife are just chilling after being utilized to chop up some basil for tonight's dinner.  Finally, there are some beautiful mugs dangling from a mug tree while waiting until the next time they are filled with a hot, delicious cup of tea.  See?  Perfection.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew...

And wuv, twue wuv, wiww fowwow you fowevah...  Like an adorable puppy, one would presume, because that's exactly how love works!  :)


On the eve of our third anniversary, I am here re-contemplating the vexing passage of the Bible where Paul suggests to the Ephesian wives that they should submit to/obey/support/be subject to (or whatever verb your translation uses) their husbands.  Here I stand as a woman in the 21st century still trying to decide what exactly this verse means to my marriage.  I am wary of Paul's writings about women because I think that they have been used widely to crush women.  I think the writings have been used to keep women from being as productive, contributive members of society as possible.  I don't mean to necessarily blame Paul; I'm sure that I can hardly understand the culture and society of his day.  I also can't easily fathom what it would be like in a society where women were not educated and were generally not valued as much as a man.  (I pause to acknowledge that some women still suffer from this condition, but I feel like we have at least progressed greatly as a whole.)  Perhaps he was just helping his followers find order in the society they lived in.  Or perhaps we still don't quite understand Paul's intent.


I think that from my conservative Christian background, I had the impression that submission to my husband would mean giving in and letting him have his way whenever we disagree.  Fortunately, I did not come from a tradition where submitting meant obeying as a child would (even being subjected to physical punishment), although I have read writings written by people from that tradition.  I remember that when Matthew and I were engaged, my dad was concerned about using the traditional phrase, "to honor and obey."  Since these vows were the promises we were making to each other for life, it was a fair concern.  If I made that promise, I would be promising to follow Matthew and go along with what he chose for us without a fight... even if I knew it to be wrong. ("Why yes, honey!  Let's have our children get married at the age of six years old so that we can make sure we get to choose their spouse!  I'm your wife, and it's your idea, so it must be a good idea because I don't want to get spanked!" We didn't ever use that phrase in our vows, for the record.) 


My dad was even concerned with the word "submit" (which we also didn't end up using), and this I remember discussing with him at length.  At that point in life, I believed that the Bible was the Word of God that was to be taken literally at face value.  My translation told me that I was supposed to submit, so I was supposed to submit, of course!  Looking back now, I can recognize that in my conversations with my dad I didn't really know what it meant practically to submit to a husband in the first place!


I have shocked and appalled some people by now.  I say that because old-Karen would have been shocked and appalled!  I want to say that I absolutely care about how Matthew and I relate in marriage.  I want the peace and joy between us that comes from loving each other sincerely and a deep faith in God.


I just don't want to do it blindly, and I want it to be as true and healthy a relationship as possible.


Here is what I've been thinking about how we relate to each other recently.  We both consider each other's opinions and needs when making decisions.  Instead of doing whatever is best for ourselves, we work together as a team to live a fulfilling life that makes both of us happy.  For example, if I was single I would not be considering moving to Beaverton right now!  I think that I'd stay in Corvallis and work at LBCC or OSU.  However, we work as a team, and I will happily follow him where he goes because it benefits both of us in the long run.  Additionally, neither of us always wins.  Matthew, being the bigger introvert, prefers staying at home almost all the time.  I, being the lesser introvert, merely want to stay at home much of the time!  Sometimes we go out when he wants to stay in, and sometimes we stay in when I want to go out.  We both make sacrifices since we cannot change these inherent parts of our personalities.  We don't always agree on everything, but we listen to each other and try to understand each other and respect the other person's conclusion.  We both try to maintain peace by putting the other person's needs before our own.  Matthew washes the dishes sometimes even when it's my turn because sometimes I'm just tired or grumpy.  Now that's love.


Once again, disclaimer: I'm not saying that our marriage is perfect.  However, it in general feels very balanced, sustainable, and peaceful.  We do have our own set of personalities, so our marriage probably looks very different than other marriages that are 'equally successful'!

Perhaps the point is that regardless the time and age, husbands and wives need to do what they need to do to cooperate and get along in a manner that promotes love, peace and a happy household.  However, I don't know if I've ever heard a sermon or even many discussions about the idea about how husbands and wives relate that really get into the actual nitty gritty, day-to-day understandings of how husbands and wives relate to other in this day and age.  I feel like there is often a fear of dishonoring God or being blasphemous if we don't stick to the well-worn words about how women are supposed to be submissive (and subservient...) to their husbands.  I tend think that God can handle a sincere and thoughtful questioner, and I believe that He'd just love for us to search for a meaningful understanding of the bigger truth about marriage that can't even begin to be contained in a book.  So I think that we're free to discuss, be thoughtful, ask God, and look for some applicable truth in the matter!

On the vows note, here are our vows from three years ago:

"Today, Karen/Matthew, I take you to be my wife/husband.
I make a commitment to you today:
With God's help I will love and serve,
Honor, and protect you.
I'm choosing today
to spend the rest of my life with you.
I will walk with you when life is good,
and thru every storm.
Karen/Matthew, you are a gift to me from God.
I hope others see His heart and love,
in the way I care for you.
Today, I pledge my love to you."


And I still mean every word!  I love you, Matthew!

Sometimes I just fail

That's what I decided today.  But for some reason I feel like I'm supposed to be good at everything that I do and to never give up at anything.

I did some tutoring online yesterday, and it just was awful.  It was partly because the online classroom stopped working properly during one session, a student disappeared in the middle of another, and I was helping a calculus student who still didn't know how subtract fractions with different denominators in another (admittedly, the denominators had variables in them, but still!).  All in all, the communication through typing was slow and painful, and drawing on the whiteboard with my mouse was sloppy and tedious.  I felt like nobody had any clue what I was saying, and I was struggling to be more clear as I was unable to point at something and talk simultaneously.  At the end of two and a half hours, I just felt horrible and like I had helped absolutely nobody.

I went to sleep last night still stressed out, and I woke up with this feeling of dread because I had another hour of tutoring scheduled for today.  I finally just burst into tears as I was bringing in the laundry from the line.

That fact is, I felt like a failure.  And at something I am 'supposed' to be good at!

After crying at Matthew for awhile and letting him know how horrible and pathetic of a person I am, I decided once and for all to quit tutoring online.  It has just made me become extremely stressed out and feel like an inadequate human being.  And why should I do this if it makes me a completely miserable human being?

Yet, I feel like I have failed (or just hated) just about every job I've had.  My boss horrified me when I was a lifeguard, plus it was fairly boring staring at a pool for eight hours at a time.  As a busser, I felt like I could never go fast enough, and one of the managers made me want to die when she hissed, "We serve ice water here," at me after I failed to get an ice cube from the pitcher into the glass at one table.  I was kind of bad at getting enough ice to go into the glasses without splashing water everywhere, so I tended to be cautious and I sometimes didn't get ice into the glass.  I enjoyed landscaping at OSU except for the fact that half of the days I felt like I was going to die from heatstroke.  That was my first summer away from the always-60-degrees Oregon coast.  My next summer I learned that I didn't enjoy wrestling with MATLAB daily.  That following year, I did my student teaching and woke up daily feeling like I was going to throw up.  That summer, I started tutoring some rising 5th graders which was way outside of my comfort zone as a human being who had been trained to work with high school students as who grew up managing to mostly avoid dealing with children (not intentionally... I just never had much of an opportunity.)

However, I quickly figured out how to tutor those kids adequately, and I have been with them for three summers now, and I'm really loving it this summer.  I also started as a teaching assistant at OSU in the fall, and while I was nervous for the few classes, I quickly learned to be confident and happy, and most of my students really liked me.

So I'm not a complete failure!  I just feel really bad about how badly I've done at so many things...  I feel dread when I consider doing most jobs.  I hate the idea of working a full-time job.  I feel like either private tutoring or teaching part-time at a community college might be the only places I could work without living with constant panic and adrenaline surges.

This makes me feel kind of bad at this point in life though.  I feel kind of like there's a lot of pressure to work a bunch.  But I don't really want to, and Matthew wants to, so what's wrong with that?

It's not that I'm lazy either.  I promise I'm not.  I like staying busy, and I enjoy cooking, cleaning (although I'm not a huge fan of doing dishes for some reason, I'm not going to lie), and doing other jobs.  I also have never minded volunteering.  For some reason, doing the same job while volunteering makes me feel less stressed out.  I feel like fewer eyes are on me and I'm being judged less.  My last term in college, I volunteered in one classroom where I had done student teaching, and I was happy as a clam doing that.

I just feel weird when I realize that my aspirations for life are to cook, clean, grow a garden, make things, raise kids, and volunteer.  Not that I think that those are bad aspirations.  I just feel like people don't really respect them.  I think that's why I tell people that my goal is to teach community college or tutor when they ask.  I think I do want to do these things, but they're not really my greatest aspirations.  When you've gotten a Master's degree in mathematics, it just is hard to expect good reactions from people when you say you want to be a "housewife" or "stay-at-home mom".

This makes me think about my brother.  I think he's right when he talks about how our education shouldn't be thought of as just a means to an end where the end is a career.  My education has changed how I think, how I understand and view people, and really my life in general.  I have no regrets about the six-years of hard work, tears, confusion, and challenges that I faced at OSU.  Even if I barely use the particular bits of information that I have gleaned, the changes in my brain will stay with me.

So there you have it.  I kind of suck at jobs.  However, I bake a mean loaf of bread, I keep a home clean, warm and cozy feeling, I love to make things grow, and I like picking my food and "putting it up".  I look forward to pouring my life into my kids when I have some someday (hopefully not too many years from now), and as I pour, I will be sharing my six-years of college experience through how and what I teach my children.

I apologize if my recent posts have seemed different and less appealing to some of you!  I feel like a lot of my blog has been created as we move forward in life, and as we spend this time waiting for our next assignment in life, it has been more challenging to move forward because some things may have to change based on where we live next.  However, I think this time has been good for me as I learn about myself, figure out what's important to me, and learn to wait patiently (or at least try/pretend).  I'm sure we'll be moving forward in the next few years as we learn what it really looks like to not be in college, hold a job, have kids (hopefully), etc.  And hopefully that forward motion will start soon. :)

Knitted quilt... Part II

 Remember this guy?  I knitted him, and sewed him together... and he lasted about a week.  I just wasn't happy with how the colors blended when they were in blocks like that!  So, I untied all of the knots, unraveled all of the squares...

... and made this guy!  Granny squares to the rescue! It took some extra effort, but I'm glad I did it.  I am much happier with the results.  

The colors still look a little funny in the picture... the red really isn't that weird looking, I promise. :)

Here's where I got the tutorial for the granny squares in case you're interested!  I used a pretty big crochet hook because I wanted big squares, and I wasn't worried about having a bunch of big spaces in the blanket.

Cooking without plastic

I recently decided to ditch our nonstick pans.  Teflon, which is the coating that makes the pan nonstick, is a plastic.  While it is generally considered safe to use these pans at a medium heat, I decided to just go ahead and get rid of them before they figure out how unsafe they are.  It just seems like plastic and food don't go together, and especially as I consider having kids in the next few years, I figure I might as well do my best to play it safe. Fortunately, many people do want nonstick pans, so ours sold quickly on Craigslist.  I found some used Revere pots on ebay, I already had a big stainless steel skillet, and I borrowed (stole?) a couple of cast iron skillets from my mom since she said she didn't really use them anyway.

If you have nonstick pans, you can't use metal utensils on them!  As such, we also had a set of plastic cooking utensils that we put up on Craigslist yesterday.  We found the replacements for the essentials at Goodwill for a couple dollars each, and we already had some of what we needed in bamboo that we didn't have to replace.

Our old set came with a plastic bucket thing to hold the utensils.  When I knew I was going to make the switch, I got a coffee can from my mom so that it could hold our utensils.  Of course, an added benefit of this was that I could decorate it however I chose!  Today I got around to painting some adorable little birds onto my can.  I'm very pleased by how it turned out!  What a cheerful container of utensils!

So there you have it, we've made the switch!

You can't have too many sundresses...

Especially ones made out of used sheets.  This particular dress was made out of a sheet I found as we cleaned out a closet at my mom's house.  Can you guess what era the sheet is from?!?!  I can't quite read the tag since it's fraying, but the copyright is definitely 1970-something.  Apparently it was my grandma's, and she ripped a corner off for some reason.  I looked at it and thought: Sundress.  Here it is!

I found that sewing this dress went a lot better than my last sundress.  It is also better sewn with a more finished interior.  Each time I sew one of these, I do something a little silly, and I make it better the next time.  I'm really close to having it just right, though.  Fortunately, a well-placed sash hides the problem area: Where the skirt join the top.

The v-neck was a last minute addition.  I had a flat cut across, but I realize that it really needed to be a 'v'.

I'm loving the criss-cross straps, too!  I wanted something a little different this time.

The theology of unemployment

Matthew has been job hunting since the end or April or the beginning of May.  In case you haven't heard, our economy is kind of sad right now, so my dear husband (who did three internships for a total of 1.25 years of experience and had an undergrad GPA of 3.89 and a graduate GPA of 3.98!) still hasn't gotten any job offers.  In fact, he hasn't even found very many jobs to apply to.

Admittedly, we're currently being picky.  That is, we are only looking in western Oregon.  Portland, Salem, Corvallis, Eugene... You know.  All those little cities in Oregon.

Matthew has had two interviews so far, and one company preferred someone who had more experience (and more enthusiasm about working at least 50 hours a week!)  The other company was a small company whose board decided that they could only afford to hire an electrical engineer (EE) when push came to shove.

Matthew now has an application in at a company where he was an intern a few years ago.  He emailed his boss (the one that liked him enough to tell him to take home a large computer monitor on his last day of work...), and his boss put in good words at HR and the department hiring.  So we wait... hoping they call to schedule an interview...

There has been a lot of waiting these last months.  It's a challenging balance to make plans for the future and to continue living life while knowing that at any time Matthew might get a job, and we might move to a different city within just a few weeks.  I'm not very good at having my future be so nebulous.  It honestly kind of stresses me out.

Actually, a lot about this ridiculous period of life stresses me out a bit.  It also makes me realize that I certainly am not sure how God works because I don't know how to properly make decisions.

Here's an example.  I'm tutoring a few hours a week, and we have managed to save a fair amount of money throughout college and grad school.  Given this fact, I think that (barring unseen disaster) we should be able to go at least another ten months before really needing to start being concerned about the last of our money disappearing.  Since we have this extra time, we have struggled with figuring out how picky Matthew should be in applying and (if given the chance) accepting a position.  The type of position that Matthew would feel incredibly good about working in is a renewable energy or an energy-efficient building type position.  We also ideally would love to stay in Corvallis where we have friends and our families are not terribly far away.  The company that hired an EE instead of a mechanical engineer (ME) was in Corvallis, and the company designs things that use wasted heat to power things instead of using batteries.  This was a job Matthew really wanted (and still wants).  To top it off, in the email the company sent explaining that they hired an EE, they said that they hoped to contact Matthew about the ME position in the "very near future."  Of course, that was over a month ago, and who knows what the "very near future" is.

I believe that God wants to give us good things in our life, and I think that He wants us to believe that He'll provide amazing things.  However, I also believe that we don't necessarily understand what the good things are that God has for us.  Since this job in Corvallis seems perfect for Matthew, and it seems like he still might get it, do we wait for it even if he gets offered another job?  That doesn't seem to make sense given the economy, and would God really :play games" with us like that?  Would we be showing a lack of faith by accepting a job that's not ideal in our eyes?  Or would we be faithfully taking the door that God opened for us even though it did not seem like what was best to us?

Here's another example.  You may have noticed that I haven't mentioned applying to positions.  This is because I've strongly felt like I should let Matthew find a position first because I am pretty sure that I can get part-time work at a community college (or tutoring) wherever he finds work.  We both feel very strongly against having both of us working full-time, and this seems to make sense.  However, recently a couple people brought to my attention a full-time teaching position at a private school in Corvallis.  These people both worked at the school, and although they don't know me terribly well, I think that they would have been able to say that I'd be a good candidate.  In other words, I think that this would be a job that I could have had a reasonable shot at getting.  However, the very idea of doing my first year of high school teaching this coming year made me nauseous.  After a very stressful student teaching experience and a very happy teaching assistant experience, I'm not even sure I ever want to teach high school.  Plus, what would we do if Matthew found a job elsewhere during the school year?  In short, I didn't even apply to the job.

This job would have kept us in Corvallis though and eased the burden of finances.  Did I close a door God opened?  Or did I successfully say no to a tempting way out of financial uncertainty?  Should I be applying to teaching positions (in particular, at the local community college) and not waiting for Matthew to find a job?  Am I letting what I believe to be the best for our future get in the way with the actuality of our future?

So I wrestle with the ideas of having too little faith. (I should wait for God to give us this great gift that He wants to give us!)  Or perhaps having unreasonable faith in God doing something that He doesn't do.  (I shouldn't wait!  Whatever door we end up being able to walk through will be a great gift!)  I also don't know if there is one correct path we are supposed to take or if any reasonable job situation is equally good.  Hence, you can see that I am not very good at making decisions because it sometimes feels like whatever decision I make is either really right or really wrong, and I just am not quite sure which it is.

Aren't these just such basic questions about how God works in our lives?  So, pardon me while I walk through it all confused, a bit stressed out, and incapacitated!

In case you are curious, we are thinking that most any job is a good job, and we'll be grateful for anything that Matthew is offered.  I also still don't think that I am going to do any more than tutor until Matthew finds a position so that I can remain flexible.  So, we "lowered standards" when it comes to jobs Matthew will take, but we remained firm on me staying flexible so that we can easily move when Matthew gets a job.  I'm not positive we're doing the right thing, but we're trying, and this is what we came up with!