Money and the word "no"

My parents said "no" to me when I was growing up.  I don't just mean that they said "no" while I was trying to put my hand on a hot burner, while I was punching my brother, or while I was acting like a brat.  Although they did that too, thank goodness.  I'm talking about them saying "no" to me when I wanted them to pay for everything I wanted.

As far back as I can remember, my parents told me that someday I would be responsible for paying for my college education.  Also as far back as I can remember, my parents required both my brother and myself to put half of all of the money we got for allowance, gifts, or work into a separate bank account that was not to be touched until after high school.

Half?!?  <--- That might be what you are thinking.  Yes, half.  It might seem excessive to some, but when you think about it, it's not so bad.  My parents supplied me with my basic needs like food and clothing, and I got more toys and stuff than I needed for birthdays and Christmas.  When I was very young, I think I probably spent most of my small allowance on silly things that probably didn't provide me with lasting pleasure.  As I got closer to nine or ten, I learned how to save money, and I spent most of my allowance on American Girl doll accessories for about four years.  When I got to high school, I spent money on car insurance, piano lessons, clothes (more on that later), and probably some other things that I don't even remember.

As I got older, the places that my money needed to go changed.  I wanted to be involved in a lot of activities; I was taking piano lessons, doing two sports, doing band, and doing other activities that required money.  What my parents did was set a certain amount of money that they would pay for each thing ("half" was usually the amount, if I remember correctly!), and they would ask me to make up the difference.  They generously paid for gas for me to get to school, but they asked me to pay for insurance.  They would pay up to a certain amount for different items of clothing, and if I wanted more expensive clothing, I would pay the rest.

Did I like these policies as a teenager?  Absolutely not.  I remember that it caused me some amount of stress as I saw my spending money draining away.  A lot of my friends' parents paid for all of their activities (as far as I could tell, at least), and I was frustrated about how much they had and could buy while I was struggling to  pay for my piano lessons and track fees.

This sounds like real life though, right?  Sometimes you can't have all that you want and dream to have.  You certainly should live within your budget.  People have to prioritize to make ends meet.  I chose to stay in all of my activities, but I didn't have all of the awesome clothing and stuff that some of my peers had.

Am I glad that my parents took the time to teach me this?  Absolutely.  Of course, part of the reason that they did this was because their funds were not infinite either, and I grudgingly recognized that back then, too.  However, they could have gone into debt or worked two full-time jobs and had less time to spend with us kids so that their teenage daughter would stop whining and crying.  Although, I probably would have still whined.  Let's be honest; we always want more.

As I headed into college, I was truly prepared to be in charge of my own finances.  I worked hard in high school and college and was blessed by having scholarships and a job over each summer that always seemed to just cover my schooling expenses and basic needs (housing, food, etc.).  However, part of the reason that I could always make ends meet was because I was careful and frugal with my spending.  This is not to say that I wasn't happy and enjoying myself.  I honestly was.  I just tended to choose used clothing and inexpensive/free activities during my free time.

And, in fact, Matthew and I are leaving six years of schooling with three Bachelor's degrees and two Master's degrees with absolutely no debt and, in fact, a small amount of savings.  This isn't something I say out of pride because I recognize that we were blessed to receive scholarships, jobs, and internships that helped us through.  However, I mention it because I think it's worth knowing that it can be done.

So, my parents said "no" to me, and it has given me the ability to manage my finances wisely and intentionally. Thanks, Parents!  As I look forward to having my own kids, I realize that I hope to do something very similar with them.  I am hoping that I can somehow quell my child's anxiety about having less than others.  I was bitter about this as I grew up, and I think that this aspect of "having less" is avoidable.  My current thought is that we'll work from day one to help our children be grateful always for everything that they have.  I will exclaim about how amazing it is that water comes out of a faucet!  I will go through their closets and show them how they have all they need!  We will thank God before every meal for the fact that our food is abundant and delicious!  I want to teach them about people throughout the world and show them how well-off we are even as we live simply and (hopefully) without excess.  Then, as my little ones grow into teenagers, I hope that they will carry these ideas with them as they evaluate their lives and compare their lives to their peers'.

I don't know how this will all work out, but I pray that my children will learn to use their resources wisely and be grateful for blessings.  And I am grateful that my parents said "no" so that I can be the adult that I am today.