Reflections on high school days

Piano. Every time a performance came around, the sinking feeling fell upon me. The palms became sweaty, and my heart was running a race of its own. I'd nervously walk up to the piano bench, bow, and sit down to begin my piece. My knees would start to jump as I began to mangle the piece that I had practiced for a hundred hours at home. I'd cringe as I reached the end... panicking... hoping that I had not played as horribly as I had imagined. As I returned to my seat in the audience, I'd burst into tears of disappointment and dismay.

Public speaking. The idea of giving a speech induced a frantic, trapped feeling for years. As I gave my speeches, I'd speak quickly and turn a lovely shade of red. As the girls' team captain of the XC team junior year, at an all-school assembly our team wanted to honor our wonderful coaches by having me say something nice about them. I don't remember a thing about what I said, but I do remember some reactions. My friends called me long-winded. My teacher, Mr. Montgomery, looked me in the eye and told me he was proud of me.

A broken heart. In ninth grade, I became close friends with a boy and developed feelings for him. He decided to suddenly stop talking to me and avoided me as much as possible. Being a 14-year-old girl, I lived the following months in a whirl of confusion, angst, depression, and tears. As I recovered and found hope, I grew stronger. As an adult, I still don't understand what happened to our friendship, but I am grateful for the strength that I found.

Friendship. On our way home from school, Joannah, Becca and I decided to buy ice cream cones. Becca dropped hers on the ground, and she burst into tears. (I think she was having a bad day...) Feeling her pain, I threw mine on the ground next to hers, and Joannah quickly followed suit. Becca thought we were crazy, but I think she knew that she was more important to us than ice cream.

Confidence. Near the end of my senior year, as I was walking through the hall, my Spanish teacher of three years came from behind me and put her arm around me. She told me something to the effect that she enjoyed watching me grow up the past four years. She saw me change from an awkward, shy individual into a "beautiful, confident young woman." A treasured comment.

Knowing everything. At some point in high school, I started feeling like I had things pretty well figured out. I knew what was right and what was wrong. I probably made a lot of people pretty frustrated. I'd like to think that I'm at least a little wiser now. People and life are deeper and more complicated than I realized.

Love and belonging. After 13 months of dating, Andrew broke up with me near the end of senior year. I felt a remarkable sense of loss, although not the hopelessness I had felt in the past. I went to youth group a few hours after he broke the news to me, and I couldn't help but the cry through the whole thing. Before, during, or after, only the person right next to me noticed that anything was wrong. The next day at school, anytime we had free time in a class I'd discretely burst into tears. One of my friends noticed. The next school day, she gave the office a bouquet of tulips to deliver to me.

Whew. What a journey just remembering these small pieces of my life five to nine years ago... Thanks to everybody who loved me through it all.