Family Life Update - Jobs?

About a month ago, Matthew and I graduated!  (Yet again!)  We went to commencement this time, and it was nice to be able to attend a final celebration as we moved on in life.

Move on indeed!  In May, Matthew found a job opening at a company in Corvallis that was looking for a mechanical engineer.  Not only was the company in our beloved town of Corvallis, but it was also dealing with energy sources in a variety of settings which is one area that really interests Matthew.  Matthew had a phone interview in May and an in-person interview June 6th.  Seven weeks into the process, we finally get an email saying that the company chose to only hire an electrical engineer now.  They are trying to strategically hire to avoid lay-offs later, and they hope to hire a mechanical engineer in the "very near future."  They said that they'd contact Matthew when they are able to hire a mechanical engineer, so we still have a sliver of hope.

However, life doesn't always work out how you dream it any given moment, so we are remaining open to other paths.

The problem is that paths do not seem to be appearing!  As such, we exist in a perpetual state of "summer vacation."  While I am happy, especially for Matthew, that this can be a time of reading, rest, and fun, it leaves us in a very odd position in our lives.  At any moment, Matthew could be called in for an interview (to the one position that he has found to apply to...), and within a matter of weeks, we could move to far-off, foreign places like Eugene, Salem or Portland!  It makes commitments challenging whether it be to commit to work with people on something or to commit to growing some food on the balcony.

I did decide to tutor for the family that I've worked with the last two years.  If I have to leave in the middle of summer, I have a replacement lined up, so I felt like this commitment is alright.  I like seeing the kids grow up, and it's fun to work with them now that they are going into the murky waters of adolescence.  (They are going into 7th grade this next year.)  They ready to learn, and I'm doing my best to help them have a solid understanding of math while maintaining a fun, pressure-free environment.  I say ridiculous things and they laugh at me, so I think we're OK.

Another thing that I did was apply to an online tutoring service.  Matthew's uncle suggested considering it since he knew someone that seemed to really enjoy it as a job.  As I started the process, I went in calm and collected, and as I come near the end, I emerge frantic and frazzled.  I have easily spent 12-24 hours filling out forms, taking subject tests, writing essays, reading procedure manuals, and watching videos.  As each of those hours went by, my anxiety increased.  When I did my "mock session" where an employee pretended to be a student and I played the role of the tutor, my heart almost leaped out of my chest onto the keyboard when the problem was something I had never seen before.  (Seriously.  Who learns how to find the equation of a parabola using the vertex and the focus?  Anybody???)  I looked it up online quickly, and I figured out how to do it once I calmed my heart down to a mere 150 bpm, but it was a panicked 30 seconds.  For the record, I think I did OK in the mock session.  If they don't choose to take me on as a tutor, I think that their main reason would be that I maybe go at a slower pace than they want in an online environment.  I tend to try to get to a hard-core understanding when I tutor so that people learn math and not a process, so if that's what they want, that's what they'll get.  If not, I totally understand.

Doing this has led me to feeling some overwhelming negative emotions that I've dealt with since I was a teenager (if not before... I just know that I dealt with them as a teenager because I've been reading through my old diaries with Matthew):

• Pride.  I haven't even told more than a few people that I am applying to tutor online.  Why?  Because I don't want to be embarrassed if they decline me.  I'm a licensed teacher for goodness sake! This is supposed to be what I'm good at!  If I fail at things that I care about, I feel horrible and embarrassed.   This is why I avoided working with kids for years.  I really want to be good with kids, and I was horrified that people would think that I wasn't adequate.  
• Feelings of complete inadequacy.  I always feel like I'm going to fail at things.  That's why I always work so hard.  (That and I'm prideful.  See the above bullet.)  Yes, dear Christian Friends, I know that God makes me strong and brings me through everything I do in life.  However, that doesn't change my gut emotions.  I'm not proud of how I feel.  (Though I am proud of plenty of other things!  Really, see the above bullet.)  I'm just getting it out there.
• Fear of new things/commitments.  Unless things/commitments seem like they are clearly right/fun/happiness-causing, they often horrify me.  Some of them I get used to like when I transitioned from middle school to high school.  Some of them continue to horrify me the entire duration like my busing job one summer.  However, in general, they all horrify me at the beginning.  I feel like I will fail (see bullet two), or that I will be miserable doing whatever it is that I'm considering doing.  Often I find that I am just fine or even very happy when I push myself to do things, but sometimes I'm not.  Online tutoring frightens me because it feels very sanitized and lacks the emotion, laughter, personal connection, and relationship that I enjoy when tutoring students in person.  Perhaps I will find other things to enjoy about online tutoring, but it's scary until I adjust.  I also am afraid that people will find me to be lacking at online tutoring skills (see bullet two.)

So, this process has left me in a funk where I have to snuggle Matthew to fall asleep because when I'm nervous I need to snuggle.  This can only continue so long because Matthew likes to roll over at night, and it's challenging when the wife never left his side of the bed like she usually does before settling in to sleep.

Speaking of Matthew, I guess this was supposed to be a family update.  He's his usual self.  He's a great reader of books whose only vice is playing too much DDO.  Alright, alright.  You win.  He has other quirks and issues!  He's very stable though, and he's not easily ruffled.  While it takes me a page to vomit my emotions, he answers, "Not much?" when I spontaneously ask him, "Do you have anxiety?"  Well, good for him.

Anyway, I haven't quite hit on everything that is happening in our world, but I did talk about jobs as promised in the title!