If the Paul who wrote most of the letters in the New Testament wasn't, you know, a man from 2000 years ago, I think I'd like to invite him over to tea and have a chat. Most recently, I have been considering, yet again, what Paul wrote about marriage.
In particular, I have been remembering the following passages from 1 Corinthians 7. I grew up with an NIV Bible, so I'll include that translation:
Verses 8-9: Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Verse 28: But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
Verses 32-35: I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs — how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.
Verse 38: So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.
Verse 40: In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is [single] —and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.
You can tell that I left a lot of the verses out, but I included that ones that haunted me for awhile in high school. At that point, I took the Bible more literally and more at face value. I really wanted to get married someday, but these verses made it sound like if I chose to get married, then I was settling for less than the best, and I wouldn't be able to be as devoted to God. Paul makes it sound like the only reason to get married is if you are losing control over your sexuality. Thanks, Paul.
Now, to be fair, I think that Paul believed that Jesus was coming back and restoring order on Earth soon. He was also writing to the Corinthians, and it seems like the city of Corinth had a little craziness occurring. It is quite possible that Paul didn't intend to tell every Christian throughout the ages that you do okay if you marry but better if you don't. I'd like to think that's the case.
Another interesting point about this passage is that Paul actually mentions that part of it is "in his judgment", although, he adds weight to his words by saying, "I think that I too have the Spirit of God." Gosh, how do you argue with that? The funny thing is, people with the Spirit of God don't always see eye-to-eye.
OK, Paul. If you are actually implying that all women today would be happier if we stay single rather than marry, then we don't see eye-to-eye. Hear me out.
First of all, in my opinion, marriage today is largely not about sex. Due to our terribly sexual culture, I think that sex seems like a huge part of marriage to the single Christian teens and 20s who see sex everywhere around them except in their own lives. However, there is just so much more to marriage. (Also, because this myth needs to be dispelled as often as possible, it is pretty unlikely that sex will be anything like that displayed in the media. Seriously.)
I could talk awhile about all that marriage can mean. However, I actually just want to focus on one major point that became clear to me this week. I read the book EcoMind by Frances Moore Lappé this past week, and she mentioned one social aspect about humans that really strikes me as true. She talked about how humans find it hard to separate from the herd and be different. There are social consequences for being different including, but not limited to, being labeled as "weird", shunning, being looked down on, and attempts to change you to become more "normal" again. This is why it is helpful to have some friends that agree with your desire to break away from the mold.
My relationship with Matthew helps me to break away from the mold in ways that I truly doubt that I would have if we hadn't gotten married. In this way, I think that having my husband has helped me grow exponentially in my faith. Since getting married, my faith has become less about nitpicking and believe that exact right thing about morality. I no longer believe that the key to my faith is to "be in the Bible and prayer each day". It's not that I don't believe that those two things are important, and I do continue to do both of those things daily. However, I was stuck in a rut because I was missing all of the other things that my faith was supposed to lead to.
I'm not saying that we don't still have room for vast improvement, but our faith together as a married couple has lead us to an understanding that our faith is less about being individualistic and focusing on ourselves and more about pouring God's love on everyone around us. It has helped us to collaborate and cooperate to change our lifestyle to be more closely aligned with our vision for how our world
should be: fair, equitable, beautiful, sustainable, and filled with the goodness of God.
I think that my marriage has made me open to change and filled with the belief that change is possible and I can be part of it. Matthew and I spend hours each week discussing our community, our country, and our world. We try to spur each other into doing our part in each of these areas, and we learn more and more about things we can do.
So, Paul, I hope that you can see that Matthew and I use each other to be stronger in our commitment to God. Our goal in life isn't to please each other; instead our home is the first place for us to practice loving people and putting others' needs above our own. I do not believe that our interests are generally divided and that we are less devoted to God due to our devotion to each other. Rather, I honestly believe God views us as a team empowered by each member, and I think He uses us as such.
